Mujeres: Wearing Victoria’s Secret doesn’t make you a model

Supposebly, I was supposed to sex it up for my boyfriend Manuelito. He said the romance was gone and we needed to spice it up. So I did what any girl would do — I went to Victoria’s Secret.

I spent a long time in that store, too. I looked at everything they had — from those bras with the gel to make you look like you have more cleavage to the ones that scrunch your chi-chis together to make you look muy sexy and even considered those itty bitty tangas that would inevitably get lost somewhere in your pompis.

After all that looking around, I wondered: how do these tiny women manage to be so chichonas anyway?

I finally settled on something and went home to make it a special night. I lit sexy cinnamon candles, the kind that smell like churros, put on my new brassiere and waited for Manuelito to come over. Once he got there I was so excited! But, as it turn out, we were both in for a shock.

Mas…Mujeres: Wearing Victoria’s Secret doesn’t make you a model

Hey Vato! Tattoo or not tattoo, that is the question (NSFW video)


Chuy wants a new tattoo for his new lady love — in a special spot right over his heart. But, he wonders, is a new tat a symbol of undying devotion or merely another way to get the chicas to give it up? When Smiley pointedly asks about Chuy’s old girlfriend, an intense discussion ensues. (NSFW language.)

Dear Abuelita: Foreskin and seven years ago, I’ve got man boobs

Dear Abuelita,
I have still my cuero (foreskin) and I was wondering if I get circumcised will I feel better when I am inside a choncho or will I be wasting my ficha.
Signed, Extra Carne

Dear Extra Carne Carnal,
Some people dislike extra carnita on their flauta but a little foreskin can be fun during foreplay. I can’t tell you how many times I played peek-a-boo with uncut pee-pees. Now you see it – now you don’t. Now you see it – oh, the laughs we had.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Foreskin and seven years ago, I’ve got man boobs

Dear Abuelita: Gay for a day, my 34C boobs, a career in modeling

Dear Abuelita,
I wear a 34C bra. My boyfriend is always scoping out girls with bigger boobs. Should I get implants?
Titi Caca

Dear Titi Caca,
Here’s what you need to do: Tell your boyfriend to look in the mirror the next time he wants to see a big boob then dump the pendejo. As for you, make yourself an appointment for a self-esteem implant ASAP. That’s all I have to say. I don’t have time to figure out the root of your insecurities. There are more important things to focus on than your pea-sized mosquito bites.

Do you have any idea how much trouble big chi-chis are? Let me tell you, they can be a real pain in the ass! I mean it, I once flung mine over my shoulders so hard the damned things left bruises on my nalgas.
Love, Your Abuelita

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Gay for a day, my 34C boobs, a career in modeling

Dear Abuelita: Is my girlfriend really a virgin? And why no sex now?

Dear Abuelita:
I am a 20-year-old Latino man. My girlfriend will not have sex with me until we get married and she insists she’s a virgin. I’m not sure she’s telling the truth. Is there any way to tell if she’s a virgin or not?
Crazy with Celibacy

Dear Crazy with Celibacy:
Ever hear of “something old, something new, something borrowed and some things are turning blue?” Listen, loco, there is only one sign you should be looking for and it’s an EXIT sign. Head for the hills, better yet, head to where buffalo girls roam and don’t come home until you’ve got your color back. That is unless…

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Is my girlfriend really a virgin? And why no sex now?

Latino Cupid Valentine’s Day cards for tough times


That little love scamp Latino Cupid presents his special Valentine’s Day cards for tough times. As they say around here, Happy Valentimes Day! Catch more of Latino Cupid’s escapades around this time every year at La Cucaracha, the nationally-syndicated comic strip by me, Pocho’s Jefe-In-Chief Lalo Alcaraz. Sign up for free La Cucaracha comics daily at GoComics.

America pauses for Ricky Martin Luther King Jr. Day

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) America pauses tomorrow to remember the life and message of Ricky Martin Luther King Jr., whose “Tengo a Dream y Dance!” speech changed the nation forever.

Post offices and other public facilities will be closed, banks and stock exchanges take the day off and salsa picante and sweet potato pie – his favorite snack combo – are on sale all across America. Today would have been RMLK’s 34th birthday.

Despite his tragic death in 2007 (he was shot and killed by the president of his fan club before an appearance in Dallas) King’s promotion of “love, equality, justice, innocence, malice, refuge, oppression, freedom” has continued to resonate among confused Latinos and Anglos alike.

Mas…America pauses for Ricky Martin Luther King Jr. Day

SRSLY? Lame-ass pick-up lines of would-be Latino lovers

The first time a man made a sexual advance to me – some random guy on the other side of the street – I was 13.  Yes, although I hadn’t even started shaving my legs, I was already trying to figure out how to deal with sexual weirdos. Such tender memories.

If I recall correctly, his exact words, or sounds, were something like “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh!!!”

Mas…SRSLY? Lame-ass pick-up lines of would-be Latino lovers