PNS*Hot*Flash: Chinese hackers infected laptop, local man says

(PNS reporting from TRENTON) “Chinese hackers infected my laptop and filled it with pornography,” an area beer sales executive told company help desk personnel yesterday. “I had no idea they could do that!”

Mark Mendoza, chief marketing officer for Buckman Brothers Beverages, said his company-issued Lenovo ThinkPad T530, a 15.6” powerhouse equipped with high productivity features and leading wireless options that keep him powered and unplugged around the clock, started acting strangely after a trip to CraftBrewCon2013 in Tallahassee last week.

“I was using the free hotel Wi-Fi posting my review of Trappistes Rochefort 9 on Beer Adovcate when it starting acting weird and flashing, like when Pepper Potts was stealing the info from Obadiah’s computer,” said Mendoza.

“Now, when I power up, all I see is Ecchi anime and grumpy cat meme illustrations with captions in Chinese,” he complained to IT help desk technician Rosarita Gonzalves at the firm’s Broad Street warehouse in Chambersburg. “I think it has something to do with ‘two cats one litter box’ but I’m not sure. It looks Chinese, anyhow. All squiggly and stuff.”

Mendoza also told Gonzalves he has no idea how the 789 megabyte BitTorrent file of Please Suck My Sexy Nipples starring Nozomi Nishiyama ended up on his hard drive, but he has his suspicions.

“It has to be those Chinese military hackers that are in the news,” he said. “They probably downloaded that Destiny Deville Shafted Like an Indian Slut video too!”

Gonzalves, tasked with “cleaning up” the laptop, was skeptical:

Ah-huh, I’m so sure Chinese hackers installed boatloads of pron on his computer, just like I’m sure it was Chinese hackers who used his office email to sign up for Busty #1 Asian Escort Service. OH MAN! It must have been Chinese hackers who left these marijuana crumbs all over his keyboard, too. Or was that just ‘oregano?’

Additional tech reporting by ElEresNerd and Elise Roedenbeck.

Photo by Chad Fitz

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