Pocho Ocho Top Ways We’re Fighting the Corona Virus

woman in surgical mask

TO: ALL POCHO ESTAFF MEMBERS
FROM: JOSÉ CANUSÍ, JEFE-DE-HR
DATE: MARCH 11, 2020
RE: CORONA VIRUS PRECAUTIONS

Your lives are somewhat important to us. That's why we've instituted eight new prophylactic measures to reduce estaff exposure to some possibly dangerous germs and shit.

Here are the Pocho Ocho Top Ways We're Fighting the Corona Virus:

8. The 11AM editorial meeting, usually held at BarrioBucks, has been moved to the Wuhan Wok restaurant next door because they value our business, whereas BB won't let us forget that chanclazo in December.

7. Please see me for your choice of luchador masks and/or dog cones to help you not touch your face.

6. Hand sanitizing stations have been installed around the office that dispense Vicks® VapoRub™.

Mas…Pocho Ocho Top Ways We’re Fighting the Corona Virus

Pocho Ocho Top Things To Expect If We Had A Mexican President

Tio Bernie? Uncle Joe? I guess. But call me a dreamer because I’m still holding out hope for a late but successful third-party Mexican American presidential bid. I can already see the first 100 days unfolding….

Mira the Pocho Ocho Top Things To Expect If We Had A Mexican President:

8. Secret Service detail replaced by cousins and their pitbulls.

7. Border wall built around Texas to keep Tex-Mex recipes from emigrating.

6. All veteranos are eligible for VA benefits.

Mas…Pocho Ocho Top Things To Expect If We Had A Mexican President

Pocho Ocho Way Woke Pickup Lines for Valentine’s Day 2020


Love is in the air for Valentine’s Day.

Is there a way for the politically active pocha or pocho, Chicano, Chicana, Chican@ and/or Latinx (Gustavo Arellano calls them “wokosos”) to get lucky AND make the world a better place?

Yes, there is, in our list of the Pocho Ocho Way Woke Pickup Lines you can use for Valentine’s Day:

8. What do we want? A quiet romantic dinner for two! When do we want it? Wednesday night — what do you think — 8-ish?

7. What’s a nice girl like you doing in a MEChA like this?

6. Is that a GMO-free organic sustainably-raised earth-friendly heirloom local family farm non-corporate elote in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Mas…Pocho Ocho Way Woke Pickup Lines for Valentine’s Day 2020

Pocho Ocho Top Reasons I’m Quite Sure the Fonz Was Mexican-American

¡Feliz Hispanic Latinx Heritage Month!

I thank God for helping me identify a previously-unrecognized Hispanic icon, a man who always embodied rebel cool, and my personal hero in that corny-ass show, Happy Days.

Gente, here are the Pocho Ocho Top Reasons I’m Quite Sure The Fonz Was Mexican-American:

8. Everybody calls him by a nickname

7. Panache

6. Leather jackets from Leon

Mas…Pocho Ocho Top Reasons I’m Quite Sure the Fonz Was Mexican-American

Pocho Ocho Top Signs Your Mexican Restaurant Is Too Authentic

From Topeka to Tallahassee, Denver to Danvers, America suffers the scourge of inauthentic Mexican food.

Twitter has outed the worst offenders, sure, but equally troubling is the oft-neglected emergence of Mexican restaurants that are TOO authentic.

How will you know when you’ve entered the danger zone? You’re about to find out.

Here are the Pocho Ocho top signs your Mexican restaurant is too pinche authentic:

8. There’s a drunk man standing outside the restroom charging you for toilet paper.

7. The horchata is room temperature.

6. They don’t have change for your $20.

Mas…Pocho Ocho Top Signs Your Mexican Restaurant Is Too Authentic

Pocho Ocho top reasons I’m still scared of taco trucks on every corner


Remember that Latinx Trump supporter who told us to be scared, because if Hillary were elected there would be taco trucks on every corner? This vendido:

 

Dude was right, and here are the Pocho Ocho Top Reasons Why:

8. I’ll be forced into a perpetual cycle of “How many tacos can I eat in one sitting?”

7. Increased likelihood I’m ordering after a white guy who speaks better Spanish than me (shot-out Mormon missionaries, I see tu’).

6. In the first week, I’ll lose three fingers from frostbite after digging out my Mexican Coke from under the avalanche of shaved ice.

Mas…Pocho Ocho top reasons I’m still scared of taco trucks on every corner

Pocho Ocho Most Important Terms and Conditions for Dealing With Me

I’m not a hard guy to get along with, as long as you adhere to the Pocho Ocho Most Important Terms and Conditions for Dealing With Me:

8. Don’t call me amigo; it’s the first sign we’re not friends

7. Friends don’t let friends… put lettuce in their burritos

6. Every time you microwave a tortilla, an angel loses its wings

Mas…Pocho Ocho Most Important Terms and Conditions for Dealing With Me

What are the Pocho Ocho Top Ways to tell that Spring has finally esprung?

Spring begins today as we mark the Vernal Equinox. But if you’re not looking at a calendar, how would you know?

Here are the Pocho Ocho Top Ways to Tell that Spring has Sprung:

8. Chipotle Mexican Grill introduces Fresh Seasonal Virus Menu

7. KKK members buy new tiki torches, don short-sleeved sheets, and start work on their tans

6. Sarah Huckabee switches to new Spring-colored scowl

Mas…What are the Pocho Ocho Top Ways to tell that Spring has finally esprung?

Pocho Ocho top things Latinos are giving up for Lent

During Lent, according to Wikipedia, “many of the faithful commit to fasting or giving up certain types of luxuries as a form of penitence.”

Here are the Pocho Ocho Top luxuries Latinos are giving up for Lent:

8. Theatrical trailers for Olaf’s Frozen Adventure

7. Speaking respectfully to creditors

6. Exploitation of conchas, especially pink ones

Mas…Pocho Ocho top things Latinos are giving up for Lent

Pocho Ocho top activists’ pickup lines for Valentine’s Day 2018

larazatshirtLove is in the air for Valentine’s Day.

Is there a way for the politically active pocha or pocho, Chicano, Chicana, Chican@ and/or Latinx to get lucky AND make the world a better place?

Yes, there is, in our list of the Pocho Ocho Top Activist Pickup Lines you can use for Valentine’s Day:

8. What do we want? A quiet romantic dinner for two! When do we want it? Wednesday night — what do you think — 8-ish?

7. What’s a nice girl like you doing in a MEChA like this?

6. Is that a GMO-free organic sustainably-raised earth-friendly heirloom local family farm non-corporate elote in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Mas…Pocho Ocho top activists’ pickup lines for Valentine’s Day 2018

Pocho Ocho top tips for surviving Black Friday 2017

It’s brutal out there, pochos — it’s cut or be cut to save $20 on an iPhone X — and that’s why we’ve compiled the Pocho Ocho Best Ways to Survive Black Friday:

8. In the event store security confiscates your Mace®, pick up some Aqua Net™ on Aisle 3.

7. Shoppers who carry their own rolls of yellow “crime scene” warning tape can easily discourage other shoppers from entering the Home Entertainment Department.

6. Successful shoppers are well-equipped shoppers. Must-have items include snacks, a gas mask, body armor where available and a small knife (plus a newspaper to hide the knife.) Experienced shoppers only: Weaponized chanclas.

Mas…Pocho Ocho top tips for surviving Black Friday 2017

Pocho Ocho amazing little-known first Thanksgiving factoids

See this painting that is supposed to depict the first Thanksgiving? It’s wrong wrong wrong. What really went on at that epic feast so long ago? We’ve got eight little-known factoids right here:

8. The frozen string beans in the casserole were past their sell-by date

7. Pilgrim Zephaniah Winslow = silent but deadly

6. Squanto’s “Mezcla de Maiz” was really esquites from the barrio elotero.

Mas…Pocho Ocho amazing little-known first Thanksgiving factoids

Pocho Ocho worst new names for Hispanic Heritage Month

The pinche Trump administration is stuck with the annual observance of National “Hispanic” Heritage Month 2017, which begins today, but that doesn’t mean they like it. The POCHO news team has learned that the white wing traitors, crooks, and colluders at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue ran through a list of alternative names for the observance before being shot down by the only Latina Trump knows — Lisa A Malinche, a low-level staffer.

Here are the Pocho Ocho worst new names for Hispanic Heritage Month:

Mas…Pocho Ocho worst new names for Hispanic Heritage Month

Pocho Ocho top activists’ pickup lines for Valentine’s Day 2017

larazatshirtLove is in the air for Valentine’s Day.

Is there a way for the politically active pocha or pocho, Chicano, Chicana, Chican@ and/or Latinx to get lucky AND make the world a better place?

Yes, there is, in our list of the Pocho Ocho top activist pickup lines you can use for Valentine’s Day:

8. What do we want? A quiet romantic dinner for two! When do we want it? Friday night — what do you think — 8-ish?

7. What’s a nice girl like you doing in a MEChA like this?

6. Is that a GMO-free organic sustainably-raised earth-friendly heirloom local family farm non-corporate elote in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Mas…Pocho Ocho top activists’ pickup lines for Valentine’s Day 2017

Pocho Ocho top anti-Spanish language Trump executive orders

The racist regime of President Donald Trump — an ignorant demagogue without a single Latino in his cabinet — has removed the Spanish section of the presidential website at whitehouse.gov — but wait, THERE’S MORE!

The Pendejo-in-Chief is also proposing additional anti-Espanol purification of the language. Here are the Presidential Prick’s Pocho Ocho Top Changes::

8. Chocolatl will now be known as Swiss Miss.

7. Latinos are now Invisible.

6. Marihuana will be called Kale.

Mas…Pocho Ocho top anti-Spanish language Trump executive orders

The Pocho Ocho craziest cosas we found in our 2017 Rosca de Reyes

Rosca-de-reyes-mexToday is Three Kings Day, Dia de Los Reyes Magos, AKA Epiphany, the day when Los Tres Reyes dropped by the manger to gift up the original Anchor Baby, El Baby Jesus.

Check out the Pocho Ocho Craziest Things we found in the Rosca de Reyes here at the POCHO world headquarters:

8. Rosca’s Chicken and Waffles

7. Rockettes seeking asylum

6. 300-puund Яusski hacker

Mas…The Pocho Ocho craziest cosas we found in our 2017 Rosca de Reyes

Pocho Ocho Top Tunes on Obama’s forthcoming jazz CD

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON D.C.) President Barack Obama will launch a new career when his term ends — a career as a jazz saxophonist, PNS has learned.

Insiders at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue say the president has been spending almost every weekend for the last six months practicing his tenor saxophone, a gift from former President Bill Clinton, rehearsing, and recording with his band. His first CD — Barry Blows the Blues — will drop January 21, the day after Donald Trump’s inauguration.

Sources tell us these are the Pocho Ocho Top Tunes — recorded in “Living Stereo” — featured on Barry Blows the Blues:

8. Yes, I Kenya

7. Livin’ in a Cracker’s Paradise

6. Michelle

Mas…Pocho Ocho Top Tunes on Obama’s forthcoming jazz CD

Arizona Ex-Governor Jan Brewja’s Pocho Ocho Mas Loco Predictions

superbrewerFormer Arizona Governor Jan Brewja is predicting Donald Trump will win in the Hate State elections because Latinos won’t vote.

“Nah,” Brewer said in an interview with the Boston Globe. “They don’t get out and vote. They don’t vote.”

What else does she foresee? Here are her Pocho Ocho Mas Loco Predictions:

8. Pigs will fly.

7. When nasty women stop provoking the average guy with slutty clothes, rapes will stop.

6. If regulators approve the AT&T-Time Warner merger, the cable guy will actually arrive between 10am and 2pm.

Mas…Arizona Ex-Governor Jan Brewja’s Pocho Ocho Mas Loco Predictions

It’s the October Surprise! Pocho Ocho Top JuikiLiques Bombshells

juikiVenezuela-based “transparency” website JuikiLiques dropped some big political bombshells this morning — the so-called “October Surprise.”

POCHO’s Especial Correspondents axed all the refryable sources to concoct this list, so check it out: The Pocho Ocho Top Juikiliques Bombshells:

8. Donald Trump’s plan to have “Mexico pay for the wall” relies on hiring Mexican workers, not paying them, and then deporting them, a scheme that worked so well in previous real estate projects.

7. Hillary Clinton threw away over 200 valuable AOL membership CDs and never told the FBI.

6. Donald Trump’s hairdresser, former airport cosmetologist Manila Envelopé, won’t use anything but Tres Flores mousse for Trump’s weave-over, but she removes the labels so the Donald won’t know.

Mas…It’s the October Surprise! Pocho Ocho Top JuikiLiques Bombshells

MEXCLUSIVE: Trump’s Pocho Ocho Most Awkward Income Tax Deductions

donaldbill

Donald Trump’s leaked tax returns prove he played the system to avoid paying his fair share of taxes.

The lamestream media is all over the big ticket items, so POCHO’s crack team went extra deep into the documents to find some smaller write offs the Donald didn’t want the public to see.

We call these Mexclusive discoveries Donald Trump’s Pocho Ocho Most Awkward Income Tax Deductions:

8. Loss carry-forward on Cheeto Powder Commodity Futures Trading

7. Weaves-Я-Us Perpetual Care

6. Depreciation on WifeBot2000

Mas…MEXCLUSIVE: Trump’s Pocho Ocho Most Awkward Income Tax Deductions

Pocho Ocho most damaging Tweets Trump went back and deleted

quesotrumpchinatweetReports are circulating that Donald Trump and/or his staff have been combing over his Twitter timeline and deleting embarrassing Tweets — remarks he and his campaign no longer want to defend. One Tweet he wishes wasn’t his claimed that China invented climate change to steal American jobs, a Tweet ridiculed Monday night by Hillary Clinton (photo.)

POCHO’s staff has been going over the Twitter archives and grabbed screenshots of some @RealDonaldTrump Tweets that are probably next on the deletion hit list.

Here are the Pocho Ocho Most Damaging:

8. dountoothers

Mas…Pocho Ocho most damaging Tweets Trump went back and deleted

Pocho Ocho Top GOP Picks for Latinx Heritage Month 2017

frito-bandito“Hispanic” Heritage Month, the officially-approved celebration of Latinx and their contributions to the United Estates of America, started Thursday.

Donald Trump’s GOP has proposed their own list of praise-worthy Hispanix for next year’s fiesta — assuming Trump wins — and POCHO has gotten a sneak peek at their nominations.

Peep this Mexclusive list of the Pocho Ocho Top GOP Picks for Latinx Heritage Month 2017:

8. The Frito Bandito

7. The Taco Bell Chihuahua

6. The Chevy No Va

Mas…Pocho Ocho Top GOP Picks for Latinx Heritage Month 2017