(PNS reporting from CLEVELAND) Jailhouse emergency wards here are filling up with RNC delegates placed on 72-hour mental health holds following “disturbing the peace” arrests.
Clevelanders have been swamping 911 with reports of out-of-town Republicans incoherently screaming, “acting all hatey ‘n’ shit,” and/or “dreaming impossible dreams” after being ordered to cease and desist.
“If the cops don’t immediately drop whatever they’re doing and investigate Michelle Obama’s ‘connection in ISIS who gives her steroids,’ for example,” one ER intake psychiatrist told PNS Sunday, “these GOP loconauts accuse the police of treason. That’s why we’re calling the mass derangement syndrome Treasonnaires’ Disease.”
How can YOU tell if a delegate to the Republican National Convention might be suffering from Treasonnaires’ Disease?
Here are the Pocho Ocho Most Alarming Symptoms:
8. PARANOIA: Scared of real-life encounters with “those Negro actors” who starred in The Cleveland Show.
7. ACTING OUT/ANTISOCIAL BEHAVIOR: “Open carries” an AR-15, drinks Heinz 57 and huffs WD-40.
6. VIOLENT VERBAL OUTBURSTS: “Who let Obama in my mama jama’s ding dong?” one patient asked, over and over. Bless his sweet heart.
5. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PRESENTATION: White hoods and sheets; brown shirts and teeny, square mustaches
4. PECULIAR MENU REQUIREMENTS: No Mexican food except taco bowls, no Chinese food whatsoever, and “nothing halal, are you kidding me?”
3. RADICAL READING MATERIAL: The Art of the Deal, How to Get Rich, Crippled America, Time to Get Tough, Think Like A Champion, Why We Want You to Be Rich, and My New Order (The Collected Speeches of Adolph Hitler).
2. LOCO LEGISLATIVE AGENDA: Stop the world, we wanna get off!
And the Numero Uno Most Alarming Symptom of RNC Treasonnaires’ Disease is….
DELUDED DEMANDS: Hang Hillary, impeach Obama, and send those Mexi-Muslims back to Africa.