pocho ocho

Pocho Ocho Top Ways We’re Fighting the Corona Virus

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woman in surgical mask

TO: ALL POCHO ESTAFF MEMBERS
FROM: JOSÉ CANUSÍ, JEFE-DE-HR
DATE: MARCH 11, 2020
RE: CORONA VIRUS PRECAUTIONS

Your lives are somewhat important to us. That's why we've instituted eight new prophylactic measures to reduce estaff exposure to some possibly dangerous germs and shit.

Here are the Pocho Ocho Top Ways We're Fighting the Corona Virus:

8. The 11AM editorial meeting, usually held at BarrioBucks, has been moved to the Wuhan Wok restaurant next door because they value our business, whereas BB won't let us forget that chanclazo in December.

7. Please see me for your choice of luchador masks and/or dog cones to help you not touch your face.

6. Hand sanitizing stations have been installed around the office that dispense Vicks® VapoRub™.

Mas…Pocho Ocho Top Ways We’re Fighting the Corona Virus

Pocho Ocho Top Reasons I’m Quite Sure the Fonz Was Mexican-American

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¡Feliz Hispanic Latinx Heritage Month!

I thank God for helping me identify a previously-unrecognized Hispanic icon, a man who always embodied rebel cool, and my personal hero in that corny-ass show, Happy Days.

Gente, here are the Pocho Ocho Top Reasons I’m Quite Sure The Fonz Was Mexican-American:

8. Everybody calls him by a nickname

7. Panache

6. Leather jackets from Leon

Mas…Pocho Ocho Top Reasons I’m Quite Sure the Fonz Was Mexican-American

Pocho Ocho Top Signs Your Mexican Restaurant Is Too Authentic

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From Topeka to Tallahassee, Denver to Danvers, America suffers the scourge of inauthentic Mexican food.

Twitter has outed the worst offenders, sure, but equally troubling is the oft-neglected emergence of Mexican restaurants that are TOO authentic.

How will you know when you’ve entered the danger zone? You’re about to find out.

Here are the Pocho Ocho top signs your Mexican restaurant is too pinche authentic:

8. There’s a drunk man standing outside the restroom charging you for toilet paper.

7. The horchata is room temperature.

6. They don’t have change for your $20.

Mas…Pocho Ocho Top Signs Your Mexican Restaurant Is Too Authentic

Pocho Ocho most alarming symptoms of RNC Treasonnaires’ Disease

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Sign_at_Donald_Trump_rally_2015(PNS reporting from CLEVELAND) Jailhouse emergency wards here are filling up with RNC delegates placed on 72-hour mental health holds following “disturbing the peace” arrests.

Clevelanders have been swamping 911 with reports of out-of-town Republicans incoherently screaming, “acting all hatey ‘n’ shit,” and/or “dreaming impossible dreams” after being ordered to cease and desist.

“If the cops don’t immediately drop whatever they’re doing and investigate Michelle Obama’s ‘connection in ISIS who gives her steroids,’ for example,” one ER intake psychiatrist told PNS Sunday, “these GOP loconauts accuse the police of treason. That’s why we’re calling the mass derangement syndrome Treasonnaires’ Disease.”

How can YOU tell if a delegate to the Republican National Convention might be suffering from Treasonnaires’ Disease?

Here are the Pocho Ocho Most Alarming Symptoms:

8. PARANOIA: Scared of real-life encounters with “those Negro actors” who starred in The Cleveland Show.

7. ACTING OUT/ANTISOCIAL BEHAVIOR: “Open carries” an AR-15, drinks Heinz 57 and huffs WD-40.

6. VIOLENT VERBAL OUTBURSTS: “Who let Obama in my mama jama’s ding dong?” one patient asked, over and over.  Bless his sweet heart.

Mas…Pocho Ocho most alarming symptoms of RNC Treasonnaires’ Disease

Pocho Ocho top ways El Chapo could escape again

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elchapotunnelMexico has recaptured fugitive drug cartel jefe El Chapo Guzman –– who notoriously tunneled out of a high security prison last summer –- but the criminal mastermind isn’t done yet.

Sources tell our correspondents that Guzman’s narcotrafficante associates are already working on plans to bust the gangster out of his next cellblock; we’ve compiled this list of the Pocho Ocho Top Ways El Chapo Could Escape Again:

8. Trained bats

7. Incredible shrinking ray

6. Those gigantor worms from Tremors

Mas…Pocho Ocho top ways El Chapo could escape again

Pocho Ocho things to eat that are way worse for you than bacon

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fryingbaconanimatedBacon is makin’ news because a questionably-reported study says the hot and salty candy can cause cancer – or not. They say we had to ditch the bacon, but we said, “No! No! No!”

That’s because there are Pocho Ocho Top Things You Can Eat That Are Way Worse Than Bacon:

8. Bush™  special frijoles — THE BROWN ONES™ — now with 25% more nepotism! [Editor’s Note: Our sources tell us this product may not be on the market much longer. Choose wisely.]

7. Uncle Ben Carson’s Tacos de Seso

6. Ferguson’s Gelato – You’ll be screaming, “Hands up! Don’t scoop!”

Mas…Pocho Ocho things to eat that are way worse for you than bacon

Pocho Ocho ‘things educated Chicanos like’

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salmahaeykWe found this blog called Stuff Educated Chicanos Like | Information on those kids from Aztlan and it’s like it was conceived and written about us here at Pocho, but no.

The blog started in 2008 and hasn’t been updated since 2011, but it still makes us LOL.

(We stole just eight headlines from the original 23 entries for this Pocho Ocho list, so you’ll have to read this post and find the link at the end for the extensive original story.)

¡Mira! Pocho Ocho things educated Chicanos like, with links to POCHO examples:

8. Salma Hayek

Mas…Pocho Ocho ‘things educated Chicanos like’

Pocho Ocho items every pocha should carry in her purse

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Purse by Notagucci™

8. Aqua Net: Yeah, for hair, stupid. But I also use this for multiple things like bug spray, deodorant, and even as a substitute for glue.

7. Mazapan: Marzipan is a yummy almond-flavored treat and mazapan is a similar treat made with peanuts. Instead of eating like a horse on your date, pop one of these in your mouth to hold you, you don’t want to look like my homegirl La Piggy.

6. Morning After Pill: I know you have probably taken this within the last two months but it’s quite all right, I am a ho, too. Always be prepared, Junior does not need a little brother.

Mas…Pocho Ocho items every pocha should carry in her purse