Sources tell our correspondents that Guzman’s narcotrafficante associates are already working on plans to bust the gangster out of his next cellblock; we’ve compiled this list of the Pocho Ocho Top Ways El Chapo Could Escape Again:
8. Trained bats
7. Incredible shrinking ray
6. Those gigantor worms from Tremors
5. Uber.MX with special escape surge pricing
4. Jedi mind tricks
3. Rescue party mounted by Oregon Bundy “militia” in exchange for snacks
2. Get Out of Jail Free Card or Marco Rubio High Heel Booties™, whichever comes first
And the numero uno way El Chapo could escape again….
Jerry Seinfeld’s 1963 silver Corvette Stingray
Al Madrigal, Lalo Alcaraz, Maria Purísima and Comic Saenz contributed to this report.
Misión cumplida: lo tenemos. Quiero informar a los mexicanos que Joaquín Guzmán Loera ha sido detenido.
— Enrique Peña Nieto (@EPN) January 8, 2016