PREVIOUSLY ON THE KELLYANNE CONWAY SHOW:
Sources tell our correspondents that Guzman’s narcotrafficante associates are already working on plans to bust the gangster out of his next cellblock; we’ve compiled this list of the Pocho Ocho Top Ways El Chapo Could Escape Again:
8. Trained bats
7. Incredible shrinking ray
6. Those gigantor worms from Tremors
These Nazis wear swastikas and call themselves National Socialists, sure, but they’re not really socialists. They’re more nationalists, really, supporting the White Nation. All they want to do is to save America from the loser and quitter immigrants who gave up on their home countries to invade the U.S. of A. After all, integration was forced on the White Man at the point of a bayonet. White people get racially profiled too, you know.
(PNS reporting from TOPEKA) Are you angry? Is your ugly truck plastered with bigoted stickers? Do you have homemade explosives at home and in your vehicle? Are you a veteran who hates immigrants and anyone who “no-speako-the-English?”
No problemo, amigo! Come to Topeka, KS where you can park your truck full of homemade explosives next to a government building and the police will look the other way!
That’s right, friend – you can build all the homemade bombs you want (now with deadly shrapnel!) pile them in your beat-up truck and bring ‘em on down to the Kansas State building for a Ka-booming good time! Yes, you can be just like Timothy McVeigh and plot endless schemes of domestic terrorism and the cops in Kansas will just shrug their shoulders say, “Whoops…”