Was it inevitable? Nevertheless, here it is: El Chapo Fat ‘n’ Furious, a new smartphone video game.
We’ll let the creators tell the story:
In a 16-bits graphic vintage style, which perfectly syncs to the shifted-tone gameplay, the player finds himself in the shoes of El Chapo on the day of his escape. As he gets on his bike the mad rush begins!
The notorious drug lord is a whole new vato now — and here are the Pocho Ocho Top Ways You Can Tell El Chapo Has “Gone Hollywood”:
8. He’s dating Kate Hudson
7. He’s on an all-cactus juice cleanse to drop weight for the upcoming pilot season
6. He just reached 200k followers on Instagram
Sources tell our correspondents that Guzman’s narcotrafficante associates are already working on plans to bust the gangster out of his next cellblock; we’ve compiled this list of the Pocho Ocho Top Ways El Chapo Could Escape Again:
8. Trained bats
7. Incredible shrinking ray
6. Those gigantor worms from Tremors
Dear President Donald Trump:
Now that you’ve become our new emperor, I mean, the 45th President of the United States, I have a confession: I’m an “anchor baby.” Given that you represent the best white hope to “Make America Great Again!” I’m confessing in exchange to be pardoned for my birthright citizenship crime.
Honestly, I didn’t know that being born to Mexican immigrants on work visas violated the law or that pesky little thing called the 14th Amendment of the Constitution. If I would’ve known of your novel interpretation of our Constitution, I mean your Constitution, I would’ve pleaded in my mother’s womb to be aborted.
Oh, I forgot, Republicans don’t believe in abortions. Does the GOP make exceptions for brown fetuses?
This video was delayed by Customs for reasons, but we’re happy to bring it to you now. Celebrate Mexican Independence Day with fugitive drug lord El Chapo, his crew, and his special tricolor cupcakes!
If beating zee caca out of a Donald Trump piñata is too last week, perhaps mademoiselle would like our newest creation, Piñata El Chapo.
What’s the difference between Medellin cartel jefe El Patron Pablo Escobar and Sinaloa cartel leader El Chapo Guzman? MundoFox has the answers.
Here are Pocho Ocho Most Amazing Facts Behind El Chapo’s Escape we’ve unearthed so far:
8. Shoutout to Uber de Mexico for the fast pickup!
7. Strategic rest areas every 200 meters stocked with Red Bull and Takis
6. Extra guys at Home Depot got lucky that day
(PNS reporting from LAKEWOOD, NJ) The story was confusing for the few Ultra-Orthodox Jews who get their world news from The Lakewood Shopper, a free “penny saver” community weekly newspaper published here.
The Shopper mistakenly included a photo of actor Luis Guzman in a story about Mexico’s arrest of drug cartel kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman.
(PNS reporting from McALLEN, TX) Police departments throughout the Rio Grande Valley delivered pink slips en masse this week following news that Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán had been captured by Mexican authorities in the resort town of Mazatlan.
“It’s kind of a mixed bag for us,” Hidalgo County Sheriff Lupe Treviño said. “On the one hand, illegal drugs are now utterly and completely vanquished from our streets. On the other, (Hidalgo County) Commissioners Court has already cut our budget for next year by 90 percent.”
Treviño, who was reached while fishing in the Gulf of Mexico, responded to Guzmán’s capture like many of his counterparts at all levels of law enforcement nationwide: by quietly folding his office’s entire narcotics unit and slashing the rest of the criminal investigations division from a staff of hundreds down to five full-time deputies.
PREVIOUSLY ON EL CHAPO:
(Based on a stunning World War II American government propaganda poster, Americanos Todos, by Luis Helguera. Click on the image for the full-sized hi-res version.)