Mexican Mitt has eye on enchilada for Super Taco Tuesday

With more than a dozen states and 437 delegates in play, Super Tuesday is the biggest contest of the GOP primaries since Newt Gingrich challenged Mexican Mitt Romney to a wife-off.

Mexican Mitt Romney vows to sweep today’s Super Taco Tuesday Republican presidential contest. “I will win not only the whole enchilada, but the additional taco, the rice and beans, plus the salad,” he told a rally. “And the corn or flour tortillas.”

“I am going to herd all the voters to vote for me like a herd of my chivos on my ranch. In other words, I will make sure you are herd. Herded. Whatevers! Ajua!”

Super Taco Tuesday could mark the moment when Mitt Romney finally emerges as the Republican Party’s all-but-inevitable choice.  As part of his campaign strategy, Romney is making appearances in Ohio, while he is dispersing his wives to speak at rallies today in Massachussetts, North Dakota, Tennessee, Vermont and Alaska.

“I am severely inevitable, bitches!” said the confident frontrunner. I will be the only Juan to be able to take on Obama in November — and I will win or purchase the 1,144 delegates needed for nomination. “I have more viejas than that, so 1,144 should be a pinche breeze! Ajua!”

Former Pennsylvania senator and future Pope Rick Santorum says winning in Ohio and the Sun Belt, which he would rename the “Chastity Belt,”  would weaken Romney’s argument and demonstrate the resilient appeal of complete batshit insanity as a campaign tactic.

For former congressman Newt Gingrich, a victory in his home state of Georgia is necessary if he is to stay a viable candidate.

Unfortunately, Gingrich hasn’t scored in Georgia since 1972 when he took a break from dodging the draft to insinuate himself on a young Nixon campaign volunteer.  That incident led to a restraining order, which he hopes will not happen tonight.

Additionally, his campaign treasury has been reduced to whatever’s in the penny tray at his local liquor store. And for Texas Rep. Ron Paul, winning any race, most likely Alaska, or the Aryan Nation caucuses, would greatly increase the circulation of his newsletters.

Desperate for support, GOP candidates are heavily campaigning in online communities such as FarmVille and World of Warcraft.  Gingrich holds the clear lead in Warcraft, with a strong orc base, but he alienated a large number of online avatars by supporting the construction of SuperWalmarts in FarmVille.

Meanwhile, Rush Limbaugh continues to lead in the race to lose radio show sponsors, saying, “I’ve got whorementum!”