Pocho Ocho Republican things you didn’t know were in The Bible

It’s in the Jewy Old Testament, written from right to left in Leviticus, Chapter 19, Verses 33-34, where God tells Moses (photo, left):

If a stranger sojourn with thee in your land, ye shall not do him wrong. The stranger that sojourneth with you shall be unto you as the home-born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt.

God-fearing Christian Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL) sure as Hell doesn’t think that means making nice to undocumented immigrants and he was quite happy to tell evangelical so-called Christian pro-reform advocates that he knows The Bible better than they do.

“I think this idea that somehow love, statements in Leviticus 19, is not the kind of thing that would indicate that we shouldn’t have laws,” Sessions mansplained. “Some people have been citing the Scripture, I think, pretty loosely,” he added.

GOP Bible scholars contacted by POCHO said Session’s “love” reference was a most likely a dig at Rabbi Joshua ben Yosef of Nazareth, hero of the blockbuster sequel The New Testament, who was also all about that “love thy neighbor” bullshit.

The Republican theologians gave us a list of eight other things you probably didn’t know were in The Bible:

8. When a woman is with child, give unto her the vaginal ultrasounds

7. Thou shalt not have equal pay for equal work

6. Thou shalt not trade on the stock market on insider knowledge, unless ye are among the elect of the Assembly

5. Thou shalt build ye mens’ rooms with wide stances, and peeth ye not alone without a quickie

4. Thou shalt beat your swords into plowshares and then into AR-15s and ask ye not for background checks, for I am the Lord

3. Render unto God what is God’s, otherwise render unto the Isles of Cayman

2. Cast out the mote in thine eye, and then cast ye out the votes of people of color, the poor, the aged and the students

And the numero uno thing you didn’t know was in The Bible is…

Blessed are the rich, for they shall inherit the Earth*


* Sermon on the Condo