Every year it’s the same crap over and over again. I mean, I wasn’t even finished pretending not to eat Halloween candy before people started playing that Christmas music — don’t even get me started on the music! It’s like, let’s take a has-been artist and have them pump out some horrible tripe and force everyone to remember why they became irrelevant in the first place, all the while pretending like we’re enjoying the tunes.
You know, all those songs were written during a time when my grandparents weren’t even allowed to go into certain restaurants. “No Mexicans, No Dogs” is what the door signs used to say. “White Christmas” indeed!
Oh and the fucking Christmas lights! You know, if my neighbors put as much effort into cutting the lawn year-round as they do in putting up all that gaudy, wasteful trash maybe my property values might be just a little big higher. Hey, Charlie, you know that dandelion is not a species of grass, right?
There are at least twice as many glowing Santas on my street as there are houses without cars on the lawns, for goodness’ sakes! That’s not even to mention all of the shiny, fire hazardous shit people spread all over their homes. Why would I want a fat, white guy hanging out all over my home? I already have that, OK? It’s called my father-in-law. Thanks, but no thanks.
And how about Black Friday? I sure do enjoy listening to all my boring co-workers, friends, family, neighbors, strangers and anyone who thinks I could possibly care tell me about all the great deals they got on Black Friday, which this year was actually Thanksgiving day. You know, I bet if you quantified all the time and energy you spent on trying to buy that cheap-ass TV set at Walmart, it would come out just about even with having bought just one good set a few years ago and not having to replace it annually at Black Friday because it’s a cheap contraption made by underpaid Chinese children.
Can’t pass up a great deal! God knows that $2 you saved on underwear wouldn’t have been better spent on you actually spending time giving thanks with your family at dinner, instead of shivering in the cold to buy them Christmas presents they might not even like!
Most of the time people don’t even bring the good shit to work. I want fudge, people! Where are the buñuelos, where are the pastries filled with creamy stuff? Don’t bring in this store-bought crap, you know what? Take your holiday spirit and go fuck yourself.
And buying tamales in a parking lot and bringing them to the office isn’t holiday cheer, it’s fucking food poisoning thankyouverymuch. Incidentally, just because I’m Latina, it doesn’t mean I make tamales, OK? So don’t even ask!
But maybe my least favorite thing about hating Christmas is the fact that everyone is always trying to change my mind and tell me about how much they love Christmas. The funny thing is, they don’t even love Christmas, though, they love the idea of Christmas, which usually has to do with all of the stuff they think they are going to get.
There’s a reason New Year’s is right after Christmas, OK? It’s so you can get drunk enough to forget all of the horrible crap you just had to go through during Christmas. I’m counting down already…