stocks

paletero640(PNS reporting from WALL STREET) Summer has begun baking the country, and that means just one thing on Wall Street: A steep rise in the value of paleta stocks.

“We all look forward to a seasonal bump in the iced treats sector.  This year, Navidad came early,” said Alexander Wiseman, a desserts and novelty/snack food analyst for investment bank Barney, Smith & Locke.

“The paletas de coco seem to be particularly big sellers thus far, but more conservative investors are sticking with the time-tested favorites, such as fresa and limón. Ah, nothing really cools you down like a lime paleta,” he told PNS. [Mas…]

Dear Dr. Dinero:
I recently received a large cash settlement (six figures) after my Geo Metro was totalled at Melrose and La Cienega by Kim Kardashian’s shoe concierge.

After I pay off the remaining bills, I’ll have $100K in cash. What should I do with the money?
A Man Named Jed

Dear Jed:
Thank you for your over-written, obviously fake letter. Are you perchance referring to the Geo Metro with the new rims? Or am I just throwing in gratuitous links for SEO porpoises? (Whales, dolphins, sea lions, seals, baby seals.)

The real question is where do you, Mr. Nouveau Riche Jed, or whatever your name is, feel most comfortable on Dr. Dinero’s Pyramid of Risk and Reward.™

Can you handle the risk of losing everything or do you want safety even though it nets you less? In these tricky economic times, safety is the obvious choice. The riskier investments — higher on the pyramid — can pay off the most but they come with maximum probability of loss.

[Mas…]


A MAD-TV news crew is on the air live from an East Los bank branch. Live TV news can be so unpredictable.