Dear Dr. Danilo Dinero: What should I do with this large cash settlement?

Dear Dr. Danilo Dinero:

I recently received a large cash settlement (six figures) after my Geo Metro was totalled at Melrose and La Cienega by Kim Kardashian’s shoe concierge.

After I pay off the remaining bills, I’ll have $100K in cash. What should I do with the money?

A Man Named Jed

Dear Jed:

Thank you for your over-written, obviously fake letter. Are you perchance referring to the Geo Metro with the new rims? Or am I just throwing in gratuitous links for SEO porpoises? (Whales, dolphins, sea lions, seals, baby seals.)

The real question is where do you, Mr. Nouveau Riche Jed, or whatever your name is, feel most comfortable on Dr. Dinero’s Pyramid of Risk and Reward.™

Can you handle the risk of losing everything or do you want safety even though it nets you less? In these tricky economic times, safety is the obvious choice. The riskier investments — higher on the pyramid — can pay off the most but they come with maximum probability of loss.

Consider, for example, a $1 investment in the Californa state lottery. You are almost guaranteed to lose so you might as well just crumple up that dollar and flush it down the toilet, and thereby save a trip to the 7-11, although that means you’ll miss a purchasing opportunity for Takis and a six-pack of PBR.  On the other hand, you also have a snowball’s chance in hell of winnning, and if you do win, you’ll probably blow it all at Hollywood Park or on the slots at Pachanga.

This is why you don’t have nice things.

A more prudent investment strategy, as the pyramid shows, involves bank transfers to and from Africa.

With modern advances in international email and e-banking, amazing remittances are available to trustworthy persons like you, my esteemed friend, especially since the tragic death of Finance Minister Manu di Bangu. The Corporate Treasury Department here at Pochismo, Inc. has been successful in leveraging this risky but rewarding technique.

How about stocks, bonds and real estate, on a lower, safer level of the pyramid?

The lovely ex-Mrs. Dr. Dinero –– who, my attorney wants me to emphasize, I haven’t seen for years — was a big believer in real estate on the theory that there will always be more and more people and there is only so much land. Officials from Fannie Mae are looking for her now, something about her Live Large and Prosper leveraged real estate investment fund. (Pudding-face: If you’re reading this, don’t call me here.)

So what do we have left? Should you put your $100,000+ into guns and ammo and gold and food? There is some chance these commodities may go up in value but the biggest factor is safety; there is little chance of their losing value. If you believe are going to live in a future dystopia, that makes survivalist sense.

But Kinkade paintings? Huh?  Kinkade, the painter of light, had an uncanny ability to turn schlock into wealth.  Advocates of this level of risk/return live in a magical world where dross like Kinkade’s is considered inspirational and as good as gold. This also explains the love for Rush Limbaugh, Diamond and Silk, and Chick-fil-A.

Not too surprisingly, Kinkade paintings are but one of the so-called “collectibles” the guns, gold, ammo, and beans people cherish. Franklin Mint cars, Hummel figurines and Nancy Reagan sex dolls are big with this demographic.

If you were a real person and we were actually talking now, young Jed, I would know what you were going to ask. That’s the future subjunctive tense, which is used in conditions that are contrary to fact. Also a Star Wars play on words. You would want to know about the low-risk investment at the foundation of Dr. Dinero’s Pyramid of Risk and Reward.™

And I’m glad you would have asked.

Financial Secrets of the Aztecs is a DVD filled with modern manifestations of ancient Aztec techniques so powerful that I hesitated years before deciding to make them public.

These ancient techniques helped me climb the pyramid of wealth to the very top — and here’s the beauty part — no one’s heart was ripped out and sacrificed to the Sun God in the process unless you’re talking about Raul and that was his own damn fault.

This DVD will teach you low-risk, low-cash techniques you can use to build your net worth, pay off your creditors and make, steal and hide enough money so you can avoid taxes and call yourself a “job creator!”

I’ll teach you the secrets of

  • Making money the swap-meet way
  • Turning ranflas to riches with sparkly red paint
  • How a paletas pushcart can put you on the path to prosperity
  • Several other defensibly-legal but ethically sketchy techniques based on the Carlos Slim playbook

Financial Secrets of the Aztecs can be yours, Jed, for only $19.95 with free shipping. But wait, there’s more!

Hold on a second, Jed, someone named Freddie Mac is at the front door.