taxes

MEXCLUSIVE: Trump’s Pocho Ocho Most Awkward Income Tax Deductions

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donaldbillDonald Trump’s leaked tax returns prove he played the system to avoid paying his fair share of taxes.

The lamestream media is all over the big ticket items, so POCHO’s crack team went extra deep into the documents to find some smaller write offs the Donald didn’t want the public to see.

We call these Mexclusive discoveries Donald Trump’s Pocho Ocho Most Awkward Income Tax Deductions:

8. Loss carry-forward on Cheeto Powder Commodity Futures Trading

7. Weaves-Я-Us Perpetual Care

6. Depreciation on WifeBot2000

Mas…MEXCLUSIVE: Trump’s Pocho Ocho Most Awkward Income Tax Deductions

Elise Roedenbeck’s ‘MiJA Weekly’ Tax Day Espectacular 4.15.13 (video)

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Happy Tax Day, pochos! This week on MiJA I discuss the near conclusion of back-room negotiations on immigration “reform” and delve deep into the heart of the Internets to discover Barbies of the World. You think Mexican Barbie is bad — Peruvian Barbie comes with an anchor baby (and she’s not the worst of them!)

Mas…Elise Roedenbeck’s ‘MiJA Weekly’ Tax Day Espectacular 4.15.13 (video)

Powerball lottery winner Pedro Quezada plans to help the needy

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(PNS reporting from NEW YERSEY) Pedro Quezada, the Garden State bodega owner who won Saturday’s $338 million Powerball jackpot, says his old life of selling Flamin’Hot Cheetos and malt liquor is all behind him now and he now plans a future helping those in need.

The Dominican immigrant, who purchased the lottery ticket at Eagle Liquor in Passaic, didn’t know the store had sold the lucky ducat or that he was the big winner when he went to check, he told PNS in an interview Thursday.

“When they looked, the clerk at the counter told me congratulations,” Quezada said. “Then he said we were cousins, even though he is a Hindu gentleman.” 

Mas…Powerball lottery winner Pedro Quezada plans to help the needy

Ñewsweek: DREAMers dream, Arpaio hates, Hugo Chavez lives

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Hey, pochos, it’s 2013 and it looks like we’re in for more of the same old same old from our regular cast of characters!

Thrill as  Sheriff Joe Arpaio returns in a Brand New Hate-Fest for the New Year!

Hold on to your seats as Still-Not-Dead-Yet Commie Super-Hero Hugo Chavez returns to reprise two of his greatest hits!

Smirk and snicker as CNN talking head Ruben Navarrette, Jr., who graduated from Harvard in case you didn’t know, tells those lazy DREAMers to sit up straight and quit talking or HE’S GOING TO STOP THE CAR and come back there.  Dr. Rudy Acuña sets him straight.

These were the stories that broke the ñews on POCHO in the first week of 2013:

Mas…Ñewsweek: DREAMers dream, Arpaio hates, Hugo Chavez lives

Ferengi-Americans endorse Romney: ‘We totally admire his greed’

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(PNS reporting from SALT LAKE CITY) Gov. Mitt Romney‘s Presidential campaign, which has little support outside its base of old, ignorant white people, picked up a key “ethnic” endorsement late Sunday as the Ferengi-American Political Action Committee (FAPAC) backed his White House bid.

“Frankly,” FAPAC Grand Nagus Ishka told a hastily-called press conference here, “he had us at ‘corporations are people, my friend’ but when we started matching up his beliefs with the Rules of Acquisition we knew he was our guy! We totally admire his greed.”

FAPAC released a photograph (above) of the group after a meeting with the candidate at the majestic Mormon Temple here and passed out a chart showing their similar philosophies:

Mas…Ferengi-Americans endorse Romney: ‘We totally admire his greed’

Bill Clinton’s Pocho Ocho best lines in his speech to the DNC

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Former President Bill Clinton’s speech Wednesday to the Democratic Convention was long (48 minutes), complex and filled with facts and arithmetic — maybe too long and filled, although girth is as important as length according to the email we get here.

As a public service, therefore, and sanitized for your protection, we present the Pocho Ocho best lines from Clinton’s speech to the DNC:

8. In Hope, Arkansas, offshore banking deposits are at that glory hole down by Stonewall Creek.

7. Republican arithmetic makes as much sense to this old country boy as those Chinese hookers in Harlem!

6. Sandra Fluke: Call me maybe.

Mas…Bill Clinton’s Pocho Ocho best lines in his speech to the DNC

Ñewsweek: Driving while fluffy, yo quiero taxes, Pro Tips for Latinos

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The Hate State of Arizona retained its leading position as the most anti-Latino state in the country as the witchy bitchy governor, Jan Brewer, decided that DREAMERS who apply for Deferred Action should be denied state service like drivers’ licenses.

Also in Arizona, husky humorist Gabriel Iglesias’ tour bus got pulled over for a papers check.  In Texas, a humble farmworker released his income tax returns and asked GOP nominee wannabe Mitt Romney to do the same and POCHO offered Pro Tips for Latinos working in The Office.

These were the stories that broke the ñews this week:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Driving while fluffy, yo quiero taxes, Pro Tips for Latinos

Farmworker releases tax returns and asks ‘Where are Romney’s?’

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(PNS reporting from EL PASO) Early this morning, area farmworker Celestino Sepúlveda made five years of his tax returns public.

Holding faded copies of his 1040EZ from tax years 2007 to 2011, Sepúlveda told reporters, “Quiero ser un ejemplo para Romney” (I want to be an example for Romney) by publicly revealing his Federal returns.

At a press conference  held at 3AM scheduled to accommodate his need to obtain agricultural day work from farm labor contractors, who start recruiting at 3:30, Sepúlveda explained.

“I have nothing to hide about the way I earn my money, because I earned it through honest work,” said the 37-year-old native of Jalpa, Zacatecas, standing with several other farmworkers on the corner of Paisano and Oregon Streets. (A family photo, above, shows him harvesting cucumbers.)

Fellow farmworker Pepe Martínez agreed. “Sí, una persona humilde como mi compadre lo hizo, ¿porqué no El Romney?”

Mas…Farmworker releases tax returns and asks ‘Where are Romney’s?’

Dear Dr. Dinero: What should I do with this large cash settlement?

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Dear Dr. Dinero:
I recently received a large cash settlement (six figures) after my Geo Metro was totalled at Melrose and La Cienega by Kim Kardashian’s shoe concierge.

After I pay off the remaining bills, I’ll have $100K in cash. What should I do with the money?
A Man Named Jed

Dear Jed:
Thank you for your over-written, obviously fake letter. Are you perchance referring to the Geo Metro with the new rims? Or am I just throwing in gratuitous links for SEO porpoises? (Whales, dolphins, sea lions, seals, baby seals.)

The real question is where do you, Mr. Nouveau Riche Jed, or whatever your name is, feel most comfortable on Dr. Dinero’s Pyramid of Risk and Reward.™

Can you handle the risk of losing everything or do you want safety even though it nets you less? In these tricky economic times, safety is the obvious choice. The riskier investments — higher on the pyramid — can pay off the most but they come with maximum probability of loss.

Mas…Dear Dr. Dinero: What should I do with this large cash settlement?