[FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE JUNE 1, 2012] C.L.A.P. (Conservative Latino Alliance for Prosperity) is holding its Annual Membership Drive throughout the month of June.
C.L.A.P., founded in 1912, is the oldest conservative Latino organization in the nation. For 100 years, we’ve worked tirelessly to return the country to core conservative principles.
These are our guiding principles:
Pillar 1: Immigration
Fact: Rare baseball cards, comics, and stamps increase in value the scarcer they become. With over 50 million Latinos in the U.S., our value to this country has become more and more diluted . As a result, C.L.A.P. aims to deport all Latinos (regardless of residency status) until four or five very valuable Latinos remain. There is power in numbers – very, very small numbers.
Pillar 2: Economic Prosperity
The market whisperers – Wall Street bankers, CEOs of large corporations, trust fund billionaires and wealthy politicians – are entrusted by God to help distribute wealth. God only gives to those who deserve it. You don’t like what’s trickling down? Take that up with the big guy.
Pillar 3: Social Justice
Love your fellow man, but do not interfere with natural selection*. Those unable to afford healthcare, food, etc. have undesirable traits and these traits are being weeded out in order to strengthen the human race. (Also, gays are icky, icky bad people so don’t love your fellow man in that way.)
* by “natural selection” we are not referring to the liberal propaganda, but rather to God’s ongoing smiting of those deemed unworthy – like zombie cannibals, masturbators, racial/ethnic minorities, and the handicapped.
Pillar 4: Gun Ownership
No one is safe until every man, woman, and child is armed to the teeth — literally. We think the mouth is a great place to conceal weapons to ensure that the liberals and the gays don’t trample your constitutional right to surgically implant assault weapons into your bicuspids.
C.L.A.P. encourages all conservative Latinos to support our mission by attending our rally outside of Sen. Marco Rubio’s house on June 28.
- Childcare will be provided in our AnchorBaby-sitting tent. Magician and finger-printing provided free of charge.
- Republican candidate Mitt Romney will be leading a self-deportation seminar that is electrifying, informative, hilarious, and caffeine-free.
- Rubio will provide a workshop on how to vote against your best interests while maintaining a straight face. Participants must be on serious psychedelics in order to participate.
- A guy with an accordion will be there. We all love accordions, don’t we?
Help set traditional politics on fire!
- Juan Juaquin Colon – President/ Chief Consultant
- Dick “Pete-O” Johnson – Head of the Department of Redundancies and Repetitions Department
- Mirait Nutt-Dominguez – Community Outreach/ C.L.A.P. Distribution Specialist
- Como, Manchais, Wey Inc. – Social Media Community Managers
- Niy Madre – Director of Latino Credibility Procurement