Despite his adamant refusal to bribe us for coverage, we still want to present Pocho Ocho reasons he should win a pinche Pulitzer:
8. The use of the inverted exclamation point in ¡Ask A Mexican! has forced gabachos across America to learn special key combinations to send him hateful email.
7. Consistently employing “SantAna” when referring to the Orange County City of Santa Ana has moved Carlos Santana out of the old-age home and into a long-term gig at the House of Blues on Hollywood’s Sunset Strip.
6. When it comes to food trends, tacos beat kombucha hands down.
5. UCLA students protested Arellano’s commencement speech in 2010 because he hadn’t yet won a Pulitzer.
4. He writes so hard he generates twice the word count of non-Latinos.
3. The money means he can stop ironing his polyester chonies by himself and send his clothes to the laundry.
2. Finally — contact lenses!
And the numero uno reason Gustavo Arellano should win a Pulitzer Prize is…
With all the Pulitzer fame and fortune, he can finally afford to stop writing for free for the Huffington Post.