Pocho Ocho reasons Romney won’t choose Marco Rubio for VP

As reported by the Miami Herald, there are about 8,000 reasons why Mitt Romney might not pick Florida’s Teabbagged Sen. Marco Rubio for as his running mate. Here are the top eight:

8. Sin Papeles. He’s illegal! It’s debatable who has the wetter back since Romney is from Mexico but Rubio is just as undocumented and some would argue more “deportable.” Rubio fled Cuba not because of the Revolución but because no one there could stand him. The guy’s an asshole.

More reasons and startling photographic evidence below.

7. The Fidel Problem. Just like in Star Wars, Rubio’s family history is muddled with secrets, kissing siblings and lasers. Rubio’s real father is actually Fidel Castro. Really. Look it up…we’ll wait.

6. He Was in Scarface. In the director’s cut of the film Scarface, Rubio plays a self-hating, whiney, little jackass from Cuba who lies about his past to gain political power. Sadly, the footage ended up on the cutting room floor.

5. Feuds. He has a bitter feud with host of Univision’s Sábado Gigante, Don Francisco. During a taping of the show’s ‘El Detector De Mentiras’ segment, Rubio was busted for lying about his credit card fraud issues and a melee ensued with Rubio hitting Francisco in the nose with a chair. Somewhere, Geraldo wept.

6. His Toupee Sucks. I mean, just look at it.

5. Mickey Mouse Business. Rubio has a hardcore gambling addiction which stems from his Ladder Day Saints and Sinners period in Las Vegas. He often works at Disney World as a part-time guey in a Mickey Mouse suit in order to make extra money to pay off excessive gambling debts. He looks even more ridiculous than usual, which is saying a lot.

4. Teabagged. When the term “teabagge” was gaining prominence in the press, Rubio took it literally and…well, let’s just say the photos speak for themselves. Don’t Google it unless you’re into to that kind of thing…which is fine! Unless you’re a Mormon…or Republican!

3. Worship Issues. Rubio is a Supercalifragi-MormoCathoStant. It’s like being a Christian but with more douchebaggery. Poor Marco can’t decide if he likes the LDS or stale wafers dipped in LSD-spiked punch.

2. Self-Deportation. Not only would he have to self-deport but Rubio would have to deport Mitt Romney, who is also an illegal alien. Where would they go? Cuba! To start the new Revolución – which would cause another mass exodus because both of them suck that much.

And the numero uno reason Romney will not choose Marco Rubio as his Veep is …

2 Live Crew! Unbeknownst to many outside of the Miami area, Marco Rubio was a founding member of the controversial hip hop group 2 Live Crew. Along with Uncle Luke, Brother Marquis and Fresh Kid Ice, Rubio helped pen such classics as Dick Almighty, The Fuck Shop and  (Hey) We Want Some Pussy.

S. J. Rivera is an Indie Publisher/Author and thinks Mark Rubens is a total jackass @ Broken Sword Publications