Taco Bell plans poetry-grilled ‘Verso-Quesarito-Burrito’

elpoetryburrito(PNS reporting from CHICAGO) Cheesy burrito fans and hashtag activists, your prayers have been answered! Taco Bell will debut a new menu item Monday – the Verso-Quesarito-Burrito, a burrito wrapped in a quesadilla with Mexican poetry written on the tortilla.

The VQB is a ground “beef” burrito with rice, chipotle sauce and reduced-fat sour cream in a grilled quesadilla full of melted American cheese.

You can also order the quesadilla-burrito hybrid with shredded chicken or steak. As an added bonus, the Verso-Quesarito-Burrito will feature poems written on the tortilla by Mexican day laborers. They’ll be versifying using only gluten-free ink, of course (photo.)

Mas…Taco Bell plans poetry-grilled ‘Verso-Quesarito-Burrito’

Back from the dead and running for Congress, it’s Cesar Chavez!

newchavez(PNS reporting from TUCSON) Cesar Chavez — noted American farm worker, labor leader and civil rights activist — is back from the dead and running for the congressional seat being vacated by retiring Rep. Ed Pastor (D-AZ).

“I will do just about anything to win in Arizona’s heavily Hispanic 7th Congressional District,” Chavez said in a press release, “including rising from the grave if that’s what it takes.”

A Chavez spokesman said the newly-registered Democratic candidate (until recently a two-time Republican loser) had been “flooded with calls” and was no longer speaking to the press, but if he did decide to answer questions, he would not discuss how he came back from the dead or what the afterlife is like.

Mas…Back from the dead and running for Congress, it’s Cesar Chavez!

Breaking: Chef Rick Bayless invents ultimate hangover cure

7upbaby640(PNS reporting from CHICAGO) Black coffee, menudo, In-N-Out, mota, maybe even a little hair of the dog — all common hangover remedies, right? But according to a study from Mexican culinary genius Rick Bayless, a new discovery might have them all beat: 7-Up.

“People have helplessly suffered hangovers forever and without any kind of cure. Well, I have discovered the single greatest hangover cure of all-time and can back it up with scientific evidence. No one has ever thought of this before…it’s 7-Up, my friends. You’re welcome!” Bayless told PNS.

Mas…Breaking: Chef Rick Bayless invents ultimate hangover cure

Twin Tragedies in AZ: Hispanic Heritage Month, Banned Books

arizonawebtoonIt’s Octember! Or is it Septober? It’s the time of the year when the weather starts getting cooler, politic shenanigans get ignored and eyes begin to glaze over from lethal injections of sports, beer and chicken wings.

‘Merica.

Septober is also the pseudo-month that we deal in tragedies of two kinds: “Hispanic Heritage” and banned books. Interestingly enough, both tragedies cross paths in Tucson, AZ, ground zero for censorship in the 21st century.

The ballad of Tucson is a long and sad corrido. It will make you laugh and it will also make you cry. If all the world is a stage then Tucson definitely has its players; many of them clowns but most of them sad, voiceless puppets manipulated by a system hell-bent on pushing an agenda of whitewashed ambivalence.

Mas…Twin Tragedies in AZ: Hispanic Heritage Month, Banned Books

MAS Whitewashing: Tucson OKs textbook list with NO Chicano authors

tusdlogo640Let me tell you a joke. Ready? The Tucson Unified School District. Get it?

No? Allow me to me explain.

On Tuesday night the TUSD approved a textbook list for their now defunct Mexican-American Studies program, which they have dubbed “Culturally Relevant US History and US Government.” The list, which consists of 25 books, has absolutely ZERO Chicana/o authors on it.

Go ahead and read that again.

If you have been following the divine comedy in Tucson at all then you already know that they not only destroyed their wildly successful Mexican-American Studies program but that they also banned a laundry list of books by Chicana/o authors, closed barrio schools and fired MAS teachers.

Mas…MAS Whitewashing: Tucson OKs textbook list with NO Chicano authors

Everything you wanted to know about ‘Colors’ but were afraid to ask

If you grew up in the 80’s and 90’s, you remember the film Colors. It spawned a lot of headlines about violence at movie theaters and the spread of Los Angeles-style gang wars. The Guardian Angels even protested the flick and left a toilet bowl outside of Sean Penn’s home as an “award.” They also strapped makeshift coffins to the roofs of their cars.

The film had this weird mystique. Colors introduced suburban kids (and their parents) to a whole new world – one they would spend the next decade imitating. Long gone were the fierce but safe dance-offs in Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo – in Colors, Turbo and Ozone would have simply blown the heads off of Electro-Rock’s crew with a 12-gauge shotgun.

Mas…Everything you wanted to know about ‘Colors’ but were afraid to ask

Sheriff Joe taps George Zimmerman for school posse (photos)

sheriffjoelong(PNS reporting from PHOENIX) Now we know why child killer George Zimmerman was speeding through Texas with a gun in his vehicle — he was on his way to a new gig in Maricopa County, AZ.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio broke the news in a Tweet late Wednesday night: The sheriff has a new school patrol posse, and it includes Zimmerman, a failed cop wannabe.

Here’s a better picture of this new “sworn officer” (click to enlarge):

Mas…Sheriff Joe taps George Zimmerman for school posse (photos)

Breaking: Actor Jesse Borrego to unveil new salsa

chingasalsa(PNS reporting from TAMPA) Chicano actor Jesse Borrego, famous for Blood In, Blood Out, is set to unveil a new salsa that he says will “light a fire under your ass!”

The salsa, named “Chinga Tu Madre!” will be sold in cans only and is slated for release this September by the Rick Bayless Division of Frito Lay.

Borrego invited PNS to sample some of the salsa Tuesday at what he calls his “private office.”

Mas…Breaking: Actor Jesse Borrego to unveil new salsa

Attention, Zacatecas: Pocho Ocho top ways to calibrate your gaydar

gaymayorBenjamin Medrano, 47, won Fresnillo’s July 7 election and will take office this September. His election — he is said to be the first openly-gay mayor in Mexico’s history — has led some observers to speculate that famously-macho Mexicans didn’t really know Medrano was gay, or didn’t believe him when he told them.

Hey, Zacatecas! Try these Pocho Ocho ways to calibrate your gaydar:

8. P.A.N. — not gay. P.R.I. — gay.

7. Maria del Barrio — not gay. Maria del Zona Rosa — gay.

6. Blue Demon — not gay. Santo Gay — gay.

Mas…Attention, Zacatecas: Pocho Ocho top ways to calibrate your gaydar

NYPD fingers, pinches ‘twisted’ Geraldo Rivera in ‘sexting’ probe

geraldoselfie(PNS reporting from NEW YORK CITY) Cable news reporter Geraldo Rivera was named a “person of interest” Sunday and detained for questioning in a “sexting” case by police here after he posted a twisted semi-nude “selfie” on Twitter. [Editor’s Note: Ruh, roh! Looks like Mr. Rivera has deleted that Tweet! But that’s the photo from Saturday night, for reals.]
Complaining Tweeple from around the world overwhelmed the NYPD website, email and phone banks Saturday night and Sunday with reports of a twisted Geraldo floating around the Internets, calling him a “flasher” and a “pervert” and saying they felt threatened.

Offline, residents of his high-end Upper West Side cooperative apartment building called the NYFD to report the smell of sulphur coming from his penthouse.

Mas…NYPD fingers, pinches ‘twisted’ Geraldo Rivera in ‘sexting’ probe

Breaking: Taco Bell unveils new Rick Bayless-inspired burritos

bigbeefycrunch(PNS reporting from ALAMEDA) If the Doritos Locos Tacos from Taco Bell are not satisfying your diarrheal needs, don’t worry!

The chain is introducing a chef Rick Bayless-inspired burrito that features Flamin’ Hot Fritos corn chips as a summer-only item until early August.

The burrito, which will retail for 99 cents, has rice, warm nacho cheese, beef, sour cream, and Flamin’ Hot Fritos corn chips cultivated by Bayless himself, deep in the villages of Oaxaca.

Mas…Breaking: Taco Bell unveils new Rick Bayless-inspired burritos

An Open Letter to the Denver Public Library Commission

An Open Letter to the Denver Public Library Commission:

I am writing in response to the so-called “ire” that was reported in the Denver Post regarding the new West Denver library being named after Rodolfo Corky Gonzales.

I am an author/publisher and a Denver native. I am also Chicano. My roots in Denver run deep and though I may live far from the Mile High City now, Denver will always be home.

How can one convey to you in such a limited space how iconic Gonzales is? The man is legend, not just in Colorado but nationally. Though the Chicano/a movement is not what it used to be in Denver, its roots are still there. There are those who would balk at this library – those who would like nothing more than to wipe Corky’s memory from the history books, just as they are trying to do with our books and history in Arizona, despite the fact that these things are as American as anything else. Ignorance speaks volumes.

Mas…An Open Letter to the Denver Public Library Commission

WTF? ‘Latina’ magazine picks 30 ‘most iconic’ Latinos on TV

Boy, these are fun times, huh? Everyone wants to either be Latino or market Latino things. Let’s all Hispanicize!

I mean, just look around! The GOP is embracing Latinos (har, har) and there are products everywhere like Tide Latino, Ford Latino, Clorox Latino, Latino socks, Latino water, Latino sunlight. Hell, there’s even a PETA Latino now! These Hispanic marketeers know no bounds!

Recently, Latina.com named the “30 most iconic Latino TV characters of the past 60 years.”

My only problem with that is their elastic definition of “Latino.” Many of their icon choices are either stereotypes or just plain questionable. They could have named their article “We’re reaching here, so bear with us, and buy some Latino Tide!”

I’ll run down a few of the more questionable picks and let you decide who makes the cut. Are they iconic? Are they Latino? Are they iconic Latinos?? Gasp! You be the judge. And for the love of Latino Jesus, make sure you buy some corporate Latino products while you’re at it.

Mas…WTF? ‘Latina’ magazine picks 30 ‘most iconic’ Latinos on TV

Hey, honky! The origin of the world’s most heinous racial slur


POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz‘s recent article about the word gringo ignited a shitstorm of debate. White people came out of the woodwork to declare how they’ve been traumatized all these years because of it.

This got me thinking about racial slurs and how we use them in these oh-so-modern times. Rand Paul used the term chili-choking pepper bellies the other day when he was talking about immigration reform. What’s the gringo equivalent of a chili-choking pepper belly? Twinky-gagging sugar gut? Sounds stupid, right?

“You cornbread-gobbling butter stomach!”

Mas…Hey, honky! The origin of the world’s most heinous racial slur

Mexicans falling to Earth from space? Not to worry, scientists say

(PNS reporting from OUTER ESPACE) Let that long-held breath out, folks. The Alpha Mexnetic Spectrometer has picked up a lot of mysterious antimatter in low Earth orbit recently – but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a sign of falling Mexi-matter, AKA “Space Mexicans” falling to Earth, according to NASA.

In fact, even with the 400,000 pocho-particles picked up by the cosmic ray experiment – the largest number of such particles ever analyzed in outer espace — it’s unclear whether those pocho-particles result from decaying Mexicans left over from building the International Space Station, or simply from Mexicans shot into space from various border patrol agencies over the year.

The ambitious $1.6-billion Alpha Mexnetic Spectrometer is roughly 10 times more sensitive to Meximatter than its predecessors. The detector, which was ferried on the Space Shuttle Endeavour (also built by Mexicans) to the International Space Station in 2011, has picked up billions of pocho-particles since then.

Mas…Mexicans falling to Earth from space? Not to worry, scientists say

Rand Paul: Don’t call my plan ‘Pathway to Citizenship’

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Master flip-flopper Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) now supports allowing undocumented immigrants to remain in the United States, receive legal status and eventually apply to become citizens, just so long as he can call them “chili-choking pepper bellies” and they provide lawn service to his friends and family.

But Paul said he would rather not use the term “pathway to citizenship” because it makes him feel “soft” and he feels he should be “hard.” On immigration.

“I think we’re trapped. I mean, I hate these goddamn people. They disgust me and make me my and my dad’s skin crawl. And believe me, it takes a lot to make that bastard’s skin crawl. I’d like nothing more them to send them to the frickin’ moon but the immigration debate has been trapped and it’s been polarized by two terms: ‘path to citizenship’ and ‘amnesty,'” Rand told reporters on a conference call Tuesday.

Mas…Rand Paul: Don’t call my plan ‘Pathway to Citizenship’

GOP to spend $10 million further alienating minorities

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Reeling from back-to-back presidential losses and struggling to cope with the country’s changing racial and ethnic makeup, the Republican National Committee plans to spend $10 million this year to send hundreds of party workers in white sheets into Hispanic communities to promote its brand.

With Operation Wetback 2016, the committee hopes putting a fresh face on the same old racism will help them net more Hispanic voters.

“Hispanics are so lazy and slow-witted that they won’t be able to do the deep investigation required to see that our effort is a complete and utter sham,” GOP committee head Reince Priebus declared on Meet the Press. “We won’t change any of our hateful and xenophobic policies, but we will definitely alter our marketing pitches to this unambitious, burrito-brained demographic.”

Mas…GOP to spend $10 million further alienating minorities

PNS*Hot*Flash: Sheriff Joe has fallen and he can’t get up

(PNS reporting from PHOENIX) Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has fallen and he can’t get up. The 80-year old remains in St. Joseph’s Hospital after falling and breaking his left shoulder on the way to lunch.

Doctors say they can fix him up better than ever:

Joe Arpaio, racist cop. A man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world’s first bionic bigot. Joe Arpaio will be that man. More racist than he was before. Hateful, senile, old.

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Sheriff Joe has fallen and he can’t get up

¿Se habla zombie? ¡Chale! More of the same on ‘The Walking Dead’

So, since the last time I wrote about the lack of racial diversity on The Walking Dead a lot of shit happened.

For starters, I got a shout out in La Cucaracha from POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz.

There was a lot of buzz online about my story and I received a few encouraging tweets from actors and editors on the show. I patted myself on the back and thought “Maybe I can get a spot on AMC’s show about the show, The Talking Dead.”

Wrong.

The most surprising thing to happen after I wrote that story was that the executive producer of the show, Glen Mazzara, left the show! Or he was fired. Believe whatever version you want but he’s no longer producing the show and that made me feel…odd.

Mas…¿Se habla zombie? ¡Chale! More of the same on ‘The Walking Dead’

Arpaio busts dangerous 10-year-old (with Steven Seagal’s help)

(PNS reporting from ARIZONA) The 10-year-old at Frank Elementary School in Guadalupe who got arrested Tuesday learned a valuable lesson about Sheriff Joe Arpaio and celebrity deputy Steven Seagal:

Don’t fuck with them.

According to the sheriff’s office, the boy had planned to beat one of his classmates at the Maricopa County school with a Wiffle Ball® bat but ended up on the wrong end of Steven Seagal’s sealskin boots instead.

Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office detectives were called to the elementary school by officials who were learned of the plot and found the student in possession of a tattered Wiffle Ball® bat.

Mas…Arpaio busts dangerous 10-year-old (with Steven Seagal’s help)

Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s new plan: Arm AZ kids with grenade launchers

(PNS reporting from ARIZONA) Last week, Arizona Attorney General Tom Horne proposed putting a gun in the hands of at least one kindergartner in every school and Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio is running with the idea.

“America’s toughest sheriff” wants a grenade launcher for every student.

According to Sheriff Joe, after he puts armed posse members near schools, he will focus on arming every student with a personalized grenade launcher to “blow the living shit out of anything that even looks suspicious…like Mexicans.”

Mas…Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s new plan: Arm AZ kids with grenade launchers

Newtown, Quentin Tarantino and the culture of death

Like many people, I’ve spent these past few days reflecting on what’s wrong. What the hell is going on? People are expressing so-called shock and awe at the recent violence in Connecticut but no one has any answers. Some would call it soul-searching, others grasping for straws. Others still are trying to squeeze as much blood from this stone as they can before it passes into obscurity, which it eventually will…

One thing that I know for sure is that the violence epidemic in the United States of America is not attributed to any one thing. We have been on this road for a long time now and anyone shocked by the fruit that the blood-soaked soil has produced has not been paying attention. Welcome to the culture of death.

Mas…Newtown, Quentin Tarantino and the culture of death