(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Mexico’s senate approved a bill yesterday to build a wall around the tourist mecca of Cancun to discourage the flood of vacuous drunken junior college troglodytes that descend upon the city’s pristine beaches every “Spring Break.”
“When America sends its people, they’re not sending their best…Stop me if you’ve heard this before,” Senator Enrique LaRaza said in his speech prior to the approval vote.
“They’re sending people with Chinese symbol tattoos, and they’re getting even more regrettable tattoos here. They’re bringing spray tans. Bleach tips. They’re bringing two years of obligatory foreign language Spanish. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, go to four-year universities.”
Anthropology researcher Juanita Carmelita Gonzalez and her dog Ari — Juanita is the one in the turquoise stretch pants — walked the streets of Hollywood Monday. You won’t believe what happened next!
PREVIOUSLY ON JUANITA CARMELITA GONZALEZ:
Let’s face it, hermanas. Dudes yelling rude remarks when you’re walking to work is the last thing you need. What’s the first thing you need? New CockBlok® immediately moves those asshats into the Friend Zone.
(PNS reporting from MIAMI) Frequent catcaller Ruben Torres was stunned Monday evening when a woman he was ogling and taunting at an area dive bar flipped him the bird and berated him in front of his friends.
“I can’t believe she did that to me, man!” he said tearfully in an exclusive PNS interview. “Why would she be so mean?”
Clarissa Cortés told PNS she was “just not having it,” after a 10-hour day balancing the books at Ponce de Leon Wholesale Rejuvenation Supplies and then fighting the traffic on the Palmetto Expressway. She just wanted to leave Tobacco Road on South Miami Avenue and go home to Brickell. Torres’ catcall was the last straw, she said.
“Oh hell no, not after the day I had,” Cortés said. “So I turned around, flipped him the bird and told him that he was an hijo de puta!”
He’s not like every other guy — he’s a piece of shit — and P.O.S. Clothing is made just for him. Available at tasteless stores like Abercrombie & Fitch and Urban Outfitters starting Black Friday. Because the last thing you need in your life is a naked douchebag. (NSFW language.)