Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Hot Sexy Aphrodisiac Valentine’s Day Salsa

salsainabowlI’m Elena Maria Celina Carrillo Martinez de los Angeles Delgadillo Trujillo…Lopez. But you can call me Lencha.

Today my son is in his room reading his Naruto muñequito books, so I can chare with you my special recipe for Valentime’s Day.

M’ijo don’t like it when I talk about sexy things because me and his daddy are divorce because his daddy like to stick his weene ebrywhere.

M’ijo usually checks my espelling but oh gwell. Since I have a little gwhile, I give you the recipe for Aphrodisiac Salsa.

On Valentimes Day of 2007 gwas gwen my fren invited me to a parry. I didn’t know what to bring so I made some especial salsa. This is a newsflash for you pochos y pochas—real salsa do not come in a jar. Mexican people make their own salsa.

I have to think how to make my salsa only red, so I have six  tomatoes, roma (because they are sheaper and taste good). I boil the tomatoes with four tomatillos. Then I get some dried chiles anchos, some chiles California, or whatever RED dried chiles I found and boiled them oso. I put everything in the liquadora (that’s blender for you pochos) with one teeth of garlic, and a little piece of onion, not too mush because vampiro breath is no sexy. Then I put some salt, and blend it.

And then I say to myself Lencha, is not red enough! So I look in my kishen and then I see some chile chipotles in a can. I put two chipotles in the liquadora and oso some of the salsita that came with it. It was better, but still like it needed somesing you know? And then I see another pot I had it in the stove where I boiled five flores de Jamaica (hibiscus flowers for you pochos) to make as you would say, hibiscus ponche.

And then I have an idea. I think cause I was Indian in a pass life. Or cause maybe Indian people are really Mexican. I donno but I think of the peoples who worship Kali, the goddess who is represent by the hibiscus. The flower is use as an offering to Kali and to Ganesh, the god with the elephant head. Is so Mexican.

And then I put the boiled flores in the blender with the ingrediens for the salsa, and blend it. And then I stand back. The salsa is red now and I fell sexy you know? Then even though I’m NOT a bruja, I got a spoon and stir it the salsa, and I make a prayer, no, a incantation. I think sexy things, like when my mijo’s daddy would put his white chones with red lipstick besos on it.

And then I put the salsa in a jar with a red listón (is called a bow in inglesh). I went to the parry and ebryone say “Ooo, the salsa is so good,” and “I cannot estop eating the salsa!” They finish it all, and Tia Lencha didn’t even get to taste. And then, by the end of the parry, several peoples who had never been together were mashing together like they were making refried beans. Is so magic.

The salsa was aphrodisiac.  Even Tia Lencha almos got a novio. A gringo wanted to take her home, but she say no tank you. He had vampiro breath from the salsa.

So thas my especial Valemtimes recipe for you. Jus remember–consume responsibly, and bring some breath mints in your purse.

Until next time pochos y pochas, when we make only foods that have the letter X in them.

Celina Martinez

Salsa photo courtesy Franklin Hit