Tia Lencha’s holiday survival secrets for Mexicans in New York City

by TIA LENCHA on December 24, 2012 in Cultura

Is Tia Lencha here! Feliz Navidad!

So people ask me, Tia Lencha do you have recipes for Christmas? Not really, I say. Instead I have some Secretos for celebrating the Navidad in New York City. There are no mucho Mexicans here so you have to be esmart about it so you don’t have the stress. And you need to have a Metro Card.

First, the are too many mucho peoples out chopping for presents. Tia Lencha don’t like standing in line for an hour to buy a sweater.

Thas why I use more time to buy my mijo his presents, I give to him on January 6, the day of the Tres Reyes (three kings for you pochos.) Mijo writes a letter to the three kings to tell them what he wants for his present. Instead of leaving cookies for Santa Claus, mijo leaves some grass in his shoe box under the bed for the camels of the three kings to eat. Then his present is put in the box with the grass for the camels. Like magic no?

I have two other big secretos (that’s secrets for you pochos) for the holidays.

  1. I don’t make my own tamales. I buy them from the lady who sells them near the subway on Broadway. She is from Puebla and she makes them with the mole poblano and shicken. Is good.
  2. I buy my Rosca de Reyes from the Mexican bakery stores in Sunset Park. Tia Lencha say that time is spend going to parries is better than time spend baking. You know?

Speaking of parries, I had time to go to a parry with gringos last night. Here is what I learn. There were a lot of gringas who were so eskinny! I ask myself how they eat, because trust me, I wanted to feed them a torta!

I notice the eskinny white girl tip numero one for eating is:

  • They look escared of the food. There was shicken and macaronis but they act like the foods was going to bite them!

Okay, so when they stop being escared of the food, I learn eskinny girl secreto numero two:

  • They pick the smallest plate and they put their food on it. Only a little food though, like they were going to feed a doll. They eat a little bit at a time, and go back with their little plate. They always look like they don’t eat a lot, and I stop counting how many times they go back to get more doll food.

Then I found another secret when I was estanding near the bar. (A course.) I see that someone bring the soda Squirt with some tequila (that was no Patron, whish is the gringo tequila.)

I know right away…there was another Mexican in the room! It was a handsome young Mexican boy, kind of remind me of mijo.

I ask him, “Where you find the Squirt in the bottle like in Mexico?”

He say, “I buy it in Mexican Harlem.”

“All the way in the uptown Manhattan?” I ask.

“Yes,” he say.

“And the tequila too?”

“Oh yes!” he say. Then he say, “I love to cook.”

“What you like to make?” I ask.

“I like to make duck carnitas with crispy skin.”

There was prolly little hearts in Tia Lencha’s eyes when he say that.

“The secret,” he say, “is that I cook the duck with Manteca.” (Thas lard for you pochos.)

I love the duck and afraid of the duck at the same times. I not sure I can cook it or even eat it. Suddenly, I understand the eskinny girls.

“And I buy my tortillas from a tortilleria in Queens. Have you been there?”

“No,” I say. “Queens is far.”

“They soak the corn in limewater like they did in the ancient days,” he say.

I think of how I just make my own tortillas in my kishen. Then I think about how I buy the tamales and the rosca instead of making my own. Is this boy more Mexican than Tia Lencha? I ask myself. I feel like a faker.

Then he make me a tequila with Squirt and I feel better. I feel inspire me to get me a Metro Card and get some tortillas in Queens and some Squirt in the Mexican Harlem.

I no get the recipe for the duck carnitas from the boy. He went to eat some macaronis and shicken and talk to some eskinny girls.

It don’t matter, cuz some boys don’t talk to womens too much if they no want to be your novio. I understand.

And anyways, Tia Lencha is no leopard.

Tia Lencha blogs here.

Musicians on a train image courtesy Global City Mission

 

Can you donate $5 or $10 so we can make more ñews y satire?
MR. POCHO SAYS ¬°GRACIAS!

 

{ 1 comment }

Francisca Fontes December 24, 2012 at 11:39 AM

So hilarious.

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