Cartel street fight in Puebla, MX crushes French gang invaders

Federales clean up bodies after cartel Battle of Puebla

(PNS reporting from PUEBLA, MX) Federales have finished cleaning up the streets of this southeastern city after a three-day battle between area gangsters and a French gang left 83 locals and 462 gabachos dead, PNS has learned.

The  Marseilles gang (“La Eme”) — sent to collect a drug debt allegedly owed by the Puebla-based Ignacio Zaragosa clika (the “Zetas”) — was overwhelmed by the fierce Mexican gangbangers.

Faulty HUMINT (human intelligence) was also a factor.

Based on bogus tips from informants who called themselves “los mentirosos,” which La Eme interpreted as “mentors,” the frogs engaged the enemy at noon. La Eme expected the Zeta sentries to be taking siestas with their sombreros pulled so low they couldn’t see the advancing gunmen. And the close-by burros? The French plan relied on the overhwhelming odor of naturally estanky donkeys to mask the telltale scent of French breath-de-fromage.

But the Zetas were not asleep and those weren’t your mother’s burritos.

Zeta’s “burros” were actually life-sized piñatas stuffed with locally-grown marijuana. Their payloads were sparked when the smelly French tried to leap-frog the sentries.

“Meng, that mota smoke was everywhere,” one jubilant Zeta told PNS after the battle. “Those frogs were such newbies all they could do was cough, giggle and see if there was any place near the battlefield they could get a Burger Royale, or a Burger Royale with cheese. The cabrones fell like hynas’ chonies after two Micheladas. K lastima! Death cab for munchie.”

Mexican drug war image courtesy Weird Palace.

Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of Pochismo, Inc., a California corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court.  Don’t ask us, we just work here.