Dear Mom and Dad: Thank you for sending me to Camp Rancho Cholo

Dear Mom and Dad Pocho: How are you? I am fine. Tio Chuy says I have to write at least one letter a week if I want to get a tat, so here it is. Everything here at Camp Rancho Cholo is too cool for school. The vatos in my crib are fun to hang out with and the counselors let you eat all the food you want in the dining hall even if it doesn’t taste that good.

Tio Loco — he’s the head counselor — says that we can grow up to be and do anything we want as long as we work hard and never give up. That’s how he developed his awesome biceps and sixpack at Quentin, he says.

So anyhow the food here is not like we have at home. We drink from big bottles of “bug juice.” They won’t tell us what kind of bugs they use but it tastes sort of like weak Kool Aid. They also make tacos from something called “mystery meat.” They remind me of the tacos at Greenleaf Middle School back in Whittier. Crunchy outside, mushy inside. The homies serving the food look like lunch ladies, too, with the hair nets.

We have crafts for an hour every day. I am learning to make botas picudas. Can you send me a new pair of Chucks? I ruined the first pair in a “machete malfunction.” My finger is healing nicely and the shot from Dr. Filgud stopped the infection and swelling and purple color after only a couple days.

Poison ivy is not fun. I’m glad you sent me my first jock strap because I would be a big itchy mess if I went totally “commando” on the endurance hike.

Can you donate $20 or $50 so we can make more ñews y satire?

How is the POCHO web site doing? I saw that you got really bogged down yesterday with all the AssWhole traffic. You need to get better webservers. That’s what Tio Abelardo told us. Run a Kickstarter or something, he said. I thought a kickstarter was something on a motorcycle.

Maybe you can just ask your website visitors for small donations. They have jobs and stuff and are are good people and know how hard you guys work to make the Ñews y Satire. If everyone who got a few laughs kicked in $10 or $20 or $50 that would be dope. And get the word out through social media, you know Twitter and Facebook and Instagram.

Can you get me an iPad? My hand hurts from all this writing.