(PNS reporting from TEXAS) After suspending two Latino employees in an Albuquerque, NM store for daring to speak Spanish, specialty grocer Whole Foods has announced that it will be changing its name to “AssWhole Foods.”
Whole Foods PR executive Kaley Quinoa, at the company’s corporate offices in Austin, released this statement:
We feel we need to reflect the public’s view of our changing brand, and nothing would represent this view better than changing our name to AssWhole Foods.
Quinoa explained her company’s “English Only” policies this way:
It is quite harmful to speak Spanish near the organic produce section, as it makes the high quality vegetables that we bring from area organic growers nervous. They start reliving the trauma of being picked by Mexican farmworkers, and this affects their inner cell structure, and ultimately their natural, wholesome flavor.
It is also a safety issue, she said, as it makes monolingual employees feel uncomfortable, “because as you know, when people are speaking in a foreign language, they are always talking about you.”
Can you donate $20 or $50 so we can make more ñews y satire?
The new AssWhole Foods also announce it would end sale of certain products, including: tortillas, salsa, jalapeños, avocado, Jalapeño Cilantro Hummus, Seaweed Iceland Atlantic Kombu, Aviv Organic Matzos Whole Wheat, Piccolo Fiore Rosso vino, penne and calamari, and will immediately suspend sales of Terramazon Organic Yacon Slices, as noone can pronounce it under their English Only policies, and/or know what the hell that is anyway.
AssWhole Foods will also be shutting down its stores in New Mexico, Colorado, Arizona, California, Hawaii, Utah, Florida, Montana, and other states with Spanish-sounding names.