PETA: Quinoa vs chia cartel wars hurt Fido, Fluffy over Christmas

fidofluffy2(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Fido and Fluffy have become collateral damage in the war between the rival QuinoaTraficante and ChiaTraficante agricultural cartels.

Recent attacks on Mexican chia seed production — apparently at the hands of rival-cartel-affiliated quinoa growers — have left thousands of local seed-deprived Chia Pets cold, shivering and hairless this Yuletide season, Texas People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) told PNS.

PETA said this includes Fido and Fluffy, of Barton Creek, pictured (above) in the organization’s latest Web ad.

Mas…PETA: Quinoa vs chia cartel wars hurt Fido, Fluffy over Christmas

PDX resident loses street cred after Whole Foods Instagram snafu

wholefoodshipster(PNS reporting from PORTLAND) Mario Rojas grew up in a tough Chicago barrio, but since he moved here for college he’s gotten soft, according his friends and family. His old street cred is gone, they worry, and he doesn’t resemble the Mario they used to know.

“He’s all into that hipster shit, organic and whatever, qué es eso? Organic ni nada, ponte a trabajar!” said Rojas’ father, Mario Sr., when contacted by PNS.

Eating a gluten-free alfalfa sprout and chevre cheese taco on an organic blue corn tortilla — and then getting tagged in an Instagram photo by his friend Maggie — didn’t helped Mario Jr.’s reputation either. Until the stylized photographic foul-up, Rojas kept his family in the dark by never sharing pictures of his newly-grown beard, clothes, or food preferences.

Mas…PDX resident loses street cred after Whole Foods Instagram snafu

Flash: English-Only Whole Foods now known as AssWhole Foods

(PNS reporting from TEXAS) After suspending two Latino employees in an Albuquerque, NM store for daring to speak Spanish, specialty grocer Whole Foods has announced that it will be changing its name to “AssWhole Foods.”

Whole Foods PR executive Kaley Quinoa, at the company’s corporate offices in Austin, released this statement:

We feel we need to reflect the public’s view of our changing brand, and nothing would represent this view better than changing our name to AssWhole Foods.

Quinoa explained her company’s “English Only” policies this way

Mas…Flash: English-Only Whole Foods now known as AssWhole Foods

Dear Abuelita: Look it up, paranoid guy and K-Y® Brand Jelly

Dear Abuelita,
In elementary school they used to make us sing a song “Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother’s house to we go. The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh through the white and drifted snow!” Huh? Both my abuelas died before I was born so I never met them but I know for damn sure they were never near a pinche snow sleigh! Why do they make us sing songs about someone else’s family?
Signed, Estranger in Estrange Land

Dear Estranger,
I won’t toss a chancla at you for not knowing that song was written by un chingona who opposed slavery over a hundred years ago. Instead I’m going to crack a wooden spoon over that cabeza dura of yours. FYI, I’m running low on chanclas. I wear a size 9.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Look it up, paranoid guy and K-Y® Brand Jelly

PETA: Mexican quinoa vs chia cartel wars hurt Fido, Fluffy

PETA AD: I CAN HAZ CHIA SEED?

(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Skyrocketing demand for “perfect foods” has fueled a war between the rival QuinoaTraficante and ChiaTraficante agricultural cartels as they fight for market dominance — and Fido and Fluffy are the latest “collateral damage.”

Texas People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) say recent attacks on Mexican chia seed production — apparently at the hands of rival-cartel-affiliated quinoa growers — have left thousands of area seed-deprived chia pets cold, shivering and hairless in the dark. PETA said this includes Fido and Fluffy, of Barton Creek, pictured (above) in the organization’s latest Web ad.

Mas…PETA: Mexican quinoa vs chia cartel wars hurt Fido, Fluffy