(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Skyrocketing demand for “perfect foods” has fueled a war between the rival QuinoaTraficante and ChiaTraficante agricultural cartels as they fight for market dominance — and Fido and Fluffy are the latest “collateral damage.”
Texas People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) say recent attacks on Mexican chia seed production — apparently at the hands of rival-cartel-affiliated quinoa growers — have left thousands of area seed-deprived chia pets cold, shivering and hairless in the dark. PETA said this includes Fido and Fluffy, of Barton Creek, pictured (above) in the organization’s latest Web ad.
But Austin’s seedies have their own priorities.
“I’m all about the chia,” chia head Sal Amanda told PNS. “And I’m sorry about the puppies and kittehs, but when chia is outlawed, only outlaws will eat chia. We need to legalize it, meng!”
Others in the N. Lamar Boulevard Whole Foods parking lot weren’t so sure.
“Quinoa all the way, sure; I’m down with that,” said quinoa lover Frida “Hussein” Xolista, known on Facebook for her Quinoa? I just metoa! LGBT quinoa-fan foodie page.
“But,” she added, “animals are people, too!”
PETA’s Nancy LaChata estimated that attacks on chia plantations in the northwest Mexican state of Sonora last month resulted in the destruction of 32 metric tons of the little black buggers, which, if they’re not stuck between your teeth, could have provided enough body hair to shield 170,000 chia pets from harsh winter weather. Seed demand is typically highest around the traditional Christmas chia pet-giving season.
“Pretty soon, when you hear that ‘ch- ch- ch- chia’ jingle the next word is gonna be ACHOO as our formerly-furry friends succumb to la gripa, the shakes and the shits,” she said. “We don’t wanna go there.”