(PNS reporting from IOWA) Hatred for the poor won in Iowa yesterday, squeaking by second-place entry homophobia and runners-up racism and tax evasion in the hotly-contested GOP caucuses.
In a stunning, almost come-from-behind finish, current homophobe and former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum ended the caucus vote in a number two position, rubbing up right behind human simulation Mitt Romney.
An obviously flushed Santorum could barely take a moment away from his constant homoerotic mutterings to celebrate his victory and presumable return to his chronic penis obsession and spouting of animal sex metaphors, also known as his Jesus-centered presidential campaign.
Santorum is rumored to be planning a new campaign strategy to woo both racist and homophobic Christian voters by promising that if elected, he will execute RuPaul.
Former Massachusetts governor Romney, who is despised by conservative Republican voters as if he were a black dude, won by a whopping eight votes, or a .0006% margin of victory. He immediately called this a “mandate,” prompting Rick Santorum to denounce man dates, or man-on-goat dates.
Senior citizen racist Rep. Ron Paul (R-Tx), who doubled his 2008 vote totals, will return to his endless presidential campaign, and his war on big government by continuing to take a taxpayer-funded paycheck.
Libertarian icon Paul wants to shrink government so small you can hang it from a tree and lynch it.
Though probably sad now that the election hoopla dies down, Iowa conservative voters will get motivated when they remember what they are here for, which is to save the nation from Kenyan Hitler.
After all the ethnic minority reporters go on to the next primary in New Hampshire, Iowa returns to its cherished status as the fifth whitest state in the US. At 3 million people, Iowa will once again have less than a third of the population of Los Angeles County, but probably just as many meth labs.
The Latino population of Iowa as of 2009 was 134,402 making people of Latino origin the state’s largest race or ethnic minority, at 4.5 percent of the state’s total population. This means there are fewer Latinos in Iowa than there are at the Pico Rivera Swap Meet on Free Menudo Sundays.
In other Iowa results, self described Greatest Historical Figure of All Time Newt Gingrich finished fourth, and left Iowa faster than a man running out of a hospital after serving his wife divorce papers on her sickbed.
Rick Perry finished fifth, which is more than you can say for his grade school record.
Sixth-place loser Rep. Michele Bachmann not only ended her presidential campaign, but left Iowa, raising the average IQ of the state by 35 points. Critics noted her inability to “pray the fail away.”
Yesterday PNS talked to Iowa’s Man on the Street.
Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of the Pocho Corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court. Don’t ask us, we just work here.
Rick Santorum photo by IowaPolitics.com