As fact checkers continue ripping apart the speeches from last week’s GOP liarpalooza, wary Democratic National Convention officials have dropped some scenes from their own star-studded Great Moments in White House History Pageant.
Here are the Pocho Ocho historical recreations you won’t see at the Democrat’s convention:
8. Franklin D. Roosevelt (Bill Murray) is all about West Wing wheelchair wheelies as he sends Japanese-American citizens into “internment” camps
7. Harry Truman (Lewis Black) tries on funny hats and growls as he orders the nuking of Hiroshima and Nagasaki
6. John F. Kennedy (Dr. House) humps Mafia hookers, gets high on pain killers and decides it’s a good idea to send “military advisors” to help the corrupt military dictatorship in an obscure former French colony in Southeast Asia
5. Lyndon Johnson (Charles Barclay) hoists a dog by the neck, shows off his surgery scars and fakes the Gulf of Tonkin incident all while sitting on the crapper in an Oval Office press conference
4. Jimmy Carter (Ellen DeGeneres) runs like a baby from a rabbit, sees a UFO, puts on a cardigan and weeps on camera because it’s so darn chilly in the White House
3. Bill Clinton (Charlie Sheen) doesn’t have sexual relations with that woman
2. Joe Biden (Abe Vigoda) tells a White House open mic the passage of Obamacare is a “big fuckin’ deal”
And the numero uno sketch removed from the Great Moments in White House History Pageant is…
Barack Obama (Samuel L. Jackson) uses adult language as he disregards his wife’s Monday Night Football menu of cucumber smoothies and kale chips and sends the Secret Service out for cheeseburgers, a six-pack of PBR and some Marlboros.