Pocho Ocho reasons Pope Benedict XVI really resigned

Oh sure old age, weakness, lack of energy, blah blah blah. From our homeboy inside the Vatican, the Jesuit formerly known as Lil Stanky, here are the Infallible VIII reasons Pope Benedict XVI really resigned:

VIII Not down with the red Gucci slippers

VII Wants to spend more time with the kids

VI Time to start his jihad against the LAPD

V He wants to run for President. ¡Viva El Papa 2016!

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IV Leaving to devote more energy to his budding MMA career

III He’s the new CEO of Death Row Records

II Moving to Vermont and opening an antique shop with disgraced Los Angeles Cardinal Mahony

And the numero uno reason Pope Benedict is really resigning is…

Third Death Star now fully operational and he wants to go out on top