The Pope’s Pocho Ocho relaxed rules for Catholics besides condoms

Pope Benedict XVI‘s 2010 statement that condoms are OK to prevent the spread of HIV is getting new attention now that some religious institutions are fighting a mandate to offer birth control as part of employee health plans.

The Pontiff’s relaxing the rules on condoms was mostly overlooked when he made it, along with Pocho Ocho other changes in Catholic doctrine you might not be aware of:

8. Premarital sex still forbidden except on alternate side of the week Thursdays.

7. It’s now OK to refer to the Three Wise Men as the Three Wise Dudes.

6. Confession now starts with “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned but You Only Live Once.”

5. “Honor thy father” is still in effect but you now can insult your mother’s cooking.

4. Women are only sluts if they have orgasms. (Mujeres: Did you know today is International Female Orgasm Day?)

3. Masturbation is OK — but only if you tell God you’re sorry afterwards.

2. Adultery is bad; consenting adultery A-OK.

And the numero uno change in Catholic doctrine you might have missed is

You shall not take the Name of the Lord your God in vain, unless it is after 10PM on cable.

Photo by bnilsen.

Lalo Alcaraz, Victor Payan and Maria Purisma will go to hell for contributing to this estory.