Our new drone flights were designed with you in mind.
Your Central Intelligence Agency is now offering select targets the option of upgrading to CIA Business Class Drone Flights.
For a small fee, you’ll get exclusive benefits and special treatment:
- E-checkout. NSA computers update your Facebook and Twitter accounts within seconds of your confirmed elimination.
- Expedited departure. No lines. No waiting. No trial. No judicial review.
- Personal flight attendant. Our staff is dedicated to making sure you reach your final destination, and we will always treat you as if you’re number one on our list.
- Space. Relax and enjoy up to six feet of extra blast radius. Don’t worry about any baggage, our special concierge service will make sure that nothing is left behind.
- Entertainment. Depart this plane to your choice of soundtrack from our collection of themed radio stations. We guarantee you’ll find something suitable for your last minutes, whether it’s the Ride of the Valkyries or Rage Against The Machine.
- Exclusive in-flight magazine. Month after month our glossy magazine includes articles from major political commentators from both parties, explaining why your death is nothing anyone need be concerned about. And don’t miss the feature editorial by Pres. Barack Obama expressing his regrets.
- Worldwide service. Choose from any of our popular destinations. Whether you’d rather check out from a wedding, a marketplace, or even a mosque, we can get to you there. We even offer service right to your front door, for the ultimate in convenience.
You’re not some forgettable American teenage kid or foreign aid worker, so why be treated like one?