ice

PNS*Hot*Flash: Sequestration Proclamation frees the ‘Pedroes’

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, DC) President Barack Obama today issued a “Sequestration Proclamation,” which authorizes the freeing of an additional 300 undocumented immigrants from detention centers around the country in advance of looming budget cuts.

While Republicans claimed the freeing of these so-called “Pedroes” would lead to the total collapse of the U.S. economy, the only immediate impact has been the creation of 900 new jobs.

Obama is being hailed as “The Great Sequestrator” by Latinos around the country, and Obama-themed corridos are already staples on Mexican radio.

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Sequestration Proclamation frees the ‘Pedroes’

Sequester-released immigrants head to D.C. to fix the budget

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Scores of immigrants released due to sequester-forced budget cuts are headed to the nation’s capital to fill gaps in the labor pool, PNS has learned.

Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) began releasing low priority immigrants from detention centers in New Jersey, Louisiana, California, Texas and Florida earlier this week.

After the immigrants were released, PNS got reports that congressional staffers were driving past detention centers trying to pick up the immigrants for jobs in Washington.

“Immigrants are, once again, doing the job that no one else can do: balancing the budget,” said Manuel Padilla, who was released from a detention center in New Jersey Monday. “About 40 of us came from Jersey, in the back of three pickups!”

Mas…Sequester-released immigrants head to D.C. to fix the budget

Son of immigrants takes the oath to become a ‘Pinche Migra’

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CBP_Border_Patrol_agent_reads_the_Miranda_rights(PNS reporting from EL PASO) The smell of grilled cebollas greeted visitors to a carne asada party in the back yard of the Lopez home in El Paso’s lower valley Saturday evening, as the family celebrated the graduation of the Lopez family’s prodigal son as a “Pinche Migra.”

José “Johnny” Marrufo completed the 58-day course at the United States Customs and Border Protection’s Border Patrol Academy located in Artesia, NM in July.

He graduated as a Border Patrol Agent and is now ready to detain his Mexican brethren.

“I feel happy that I will protect our border from terrorists and criminal aliens, some of whom are my relatives”  the former Riverside High School third baseman told PNS.

Mas…Son of immigrants takes the oath to become a ‘Pinche Migra’

Uncle Sam on lookout for oldsters trying to pass as DREAMers

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) Older undocumented immigrants have been trying to pass as youngsters so they can qualify for the Obama Administration’s new Deferred Action program, PNS has learned.

On Thursday, several elderly immigrants were hustled out in the Denver, CO immigration office trying to fake the required cutoff age of 30.

ICE reported that they found one viejito, known only as “Chavo,” hiding inside a barrel and dressed in in a striped shirt, red suspenders, brown khaki shorts and a propeller hat. ICE told PNS that the man was malnourished and kept asking for ham sandwiches.

Mas…Uncle Sam on lookout for oldsters trying to pass as DREAMers

ICE unveils first-ever resort-style hotel for immigrant detainees

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Inviting metal benches say, "Sit, but for not too long!"

(PNS reporting from DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEJAS) U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) is opening what they call the first-ever “resort-style hotel” for immigrant detainees.

Critics are calling the new Karnes County (TX) Civil Detention Center a “prison for profit” but ICE is marketing it as a migrant “destination” with “vast amenities” that will keep immigrant detainees coming back for more.

Mas…ICE unveils first-ever resort-style hotel for immigrant detainees

Operation Wet Parachute: U.S. to drop Mexican deportees from planes

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Better than catapult-based deportee delivery systems

(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) In an effort to “adapt to current budget realities,” the Federales of Los United Estates will begin flying deported immigrants back to Mexico and dropping them from airplanes over their home states.

This plan, dubbed Operation Wet Parachute, is the brainchild of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano who said yesterday she got the idea while making margaritas and watching the film Point Break.

Mas…Operation Wet Parachute: U.S. to drop Mexican deportees from planes

Dear undocumented immigrants: You suck at freeloading

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Damn you immigrants and your lecherous burritos!

I  hate undocumented immigrants. I spent most of the holidays on my roof, throwing used cell phones and rusty nine-volt batteries at my undocumented family members as they arrived for festive gatherings. (Tía Lupe should be out of the hospital any day now, and you better believe that ICE will be waiting to cart her away from her children.)

My hatred for the undocumented is normally on a controlled boil. However, after viewing the Racist White Ladies video, my hatred steamed up.

These classy and thoughtful young ladies made me realize that there is much more to hate about undocumented immigrants, especially the fact that they’re always walking around carrying burritos lecherously. Zing! You really nailed them on that one ladies.

How stupid are undocumented immigrants? Well, they can’t even freeload properly!

Mas…Dear undocumented immigrants: You suck at freeloading

Obama immigration officials run out of immigrants to deport, switch to deporting American citizens

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In a curious move, the Barack Obama White House is campaigning tirelessly for the Latino  re-election vote while also deporting a record number of undocumented immigrants.

In a mad dash to burnish their law-and-order credentials, Obama officials have deported over a million undocumented immigrants during the past 2 1/2 years and are on track to out-deport the two-term Bush administration’s 1.57 million. In fact, they have deported so many undocumented immigrants they may have depleted the supply.

They have turned to an American resource to fill the void: deporting U.S. citizens. The instances are numerous, and growing:

Mas…Obama immigration officials run out of immigrants to deport, switch to deporting American citizens

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