The Venezuelan Bolivarian Revolution, now firmly guided by the strong and steady hand of Commandante El Presidente Nicolas Maduro, has achieved new records in the production of shit, or mierda as it is known locally.
But pride in the record April crop of fecal material was tempered by a Western capitalist conspiracy which has left the country short of papel higiénico.
Toilet paper is sold out in shops across the country with thousands of rolls flying off the shelves following a spate of panic buying.
‘I bought it because it’s hard to find,’ said Maria Perez, walking out of a city centre store with several rolls of paper. ‘Here there’s a shortage of everything.’
Another added: ‘I’ve been looking for it for two weeks. I was told that they had some here and now I’m in line.’
The government has promised to import 50 million rolls in the next few weeks and has blamed the shortage on anti-Maduro forces attempting to destabilise the country.