Times are tough in Venezuela, where Hugo Chavez‘ successor Commandante El Presidente Nicolas Maduro’s command economy has people scrambling for toilet paper as socialist shit production has outpaced the supply of papel higiénico.
But that’s not all! Last month, a half dozen people witnessed a glowing OVNI/UFO hovering above a cemetery near the sad country’s capital.
Héctor Escalante’s original Spanish report was translated by Inexplicata:
Leftist loonies like Nicolas Maduro of Venezuela don’t much like criticism or mockery (i.e., reality) so they throttle creative freedom.
Israel Centeno, who fled the Venezuelan Bolivarian socialist paradise, is among the exiled writers who have found a safe place to live and write in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Latino USA’s Erika Beras brings us the writers’ stories:
Mas…In Pittsburgh, PA writers from Venezuela, El Salvador are free (audio)
(PNS reporting from MALIBU) Sean Penn will deliver the keynote address at the City of San Jose’s annual Cesar Chavez Day celebration March 31, friends of the actor say. The ceremony honors the late Mexican-American icon and civil rights leader on his birthday.
Penn told dinner companions here Tuesday night that he plans to open the speech at the San Jose Civic Center with some humorous anecdotes.
(PNS reporting from HAVANA) Hey, kids! Now you can smell like dead Commies Che Guevara and/or Hugo Chavez with these two new scents from Cuba’s Labiofarm labs. (That’s “labio” not “labia,” you freaks.)
The just-announced perfume products could be a big source of hard currency for Venezuela‘s flagging economy, which Chavez poisoned and current Commandante Maduro is now kicking in the cojones.
The Hugo Chavez deal, insiders told PNS, was inspired by the Cuban regime’s multi-million-dollar revenue stream from the Che image licensing deal Comarade Fidel made with Nike (photo.)
Mas…New perfumes offer scents of dead Reds Che and Chavez (video)
Hey! I took Russki in college. Труп чупакабры в Венесуэле means “corpse of a chupacabra [found] in Venezuela.”
Poor Venezuela. Ever since Commandante Hugo Chavez died, his chosen successor Nicolas Maduro has had to cope with a series of Yanqui plots that are screwing up the economy in his socialist paradise.
First came the toilet paper shortage which Maduro blamed on imperialist sabotage, although he later tried to paint it as an example of his economic successes, claiming Venezuelan shit production had reached record levels, thereby outstripping the papel hygenico supply.
Mas…From Venuezuela: Труп чупакабры в Венесуэле (chupacabra video)
This is the letter, which as a human cry, I sent to Obama. Let’s mobilize public opinion and stop war!! http://t.co/RgckDZ2RgV
— Nicolás Maduro (@maduro_en) September 2, 2013
Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro knows what to do about Syria, based on careful study of the works of Jesus of Nazareth, Susan Sontag, Brother Malcolm X, the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., John Lennon, Robert Fisk, Hugo Chavez, Howard Zinn and Simon Bolivar.
The commie commandante, still BFFs with murderous Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad, publicly shared his foreign policy expertise with His Excellency Barack Obama Monday afternoon:
The Venezuelan Bolivarian Revolution, now firmly guided by the strong and steady hand of Commandante El Presidente Nicolas Maduro, has achieved new records in the production of shit, or mierda as it is known locally.
But pride in the record April crop of fecal material was tempered by a Western capitalist conspiracy which has left the country short of papel higiénico.
Mas…Venezuela shit production hits record, outpaces toilet paper supply
Late Saturday night, as I searched for some historical images for a new history book I’m illustrating, I saw that Google had finally honored farm labor icon Cesar Chavez with their “Google Doodle.”
My first thought (and tweet) was, “Brace yourselves for anti-Mexican, anti-immigrant, anti-Cesar Chavez racist hate from internet Christians on their Holy Day.” Faster than you could pull up a thousand images of the Mexican-American hero on Google Images, the harsh comments started rolling in.
As I called it, a few hateful internet Christians declared jihad on Google because it’s not a Jesus Christ Doodle or their main religious figure, the Easter Bunny (historical image below).
Mas…It’s Cesar Chavez’s birthday, and Google threw a Doodle party
Spring began at 7:02 EDT this morning as the Northern Hemisphere marked the Vernal Equinox. But if you’re not looking at a calendar, how would you know? Here are the pocho ocho best ways to tell that Spring has sprung:
8. Muslim Brotherhood now wears sundresses to Arab Spring protests and violent crackdowns
7. Hunger-striking Guantanamo Bay prisoners are working on their tans
6. Jan Brewer goes wild in Baja with the sorority sisters of Kappa Kappa Kappa
Video cameras caught Mexican President Enrique Peña-Nieto resting his eyes Friday during the eulogy for El Commandante Presidente Hugo Chavez delivered by his successor, Nicolas Maduro.
Here’s the video:
Mas…Mexico’s Peña-Nieto rests his eyes at Chavez funeral (photo + video)
Venezuelans are still mourning Commandante El Presidente Hugo Chavez, who the CIA poisoned with cancer, but that doesn’t mean they can’t sing, according to Justin Timberlake.
Happy Woman’s History Month! This week, I say farewell to Hugo Chavez and goodbye to sleep (no thanks to daylight savings.) Also, have no fear, the immigration party bus is here!
Don’t forget to leave your comments below, or lick butter.
BREAKING ÑEWS: (PNS reporting from CARACAS) The death of Commandante El Presidente Hugo Chavez means the Bolivarian Bottling Company has had to cancel plans to produce Jugo Chavez Energy Drink for export to the United Estates, PNS has learned.
The state-owned firm hoped to export the beverage to the U.S. where MEChA chapters, like cookie-selling Girl Scouts, would set up tables selling cans outside student union buildings.
Venezuelan Vice President Nicolas Maduro (he may be the new president by the time you read this) has accused the United Estates of poisoning dead Hugo Chavez with special commie-killing cancer.
We talked to our sources in the intelligence community to compile the pocho ocho most likely ways the U.S. could have given Commissar Chavez the deadly disease:
8. Horsemeat — it’s what’s for dinner
7. Pinche high-fructose corn syrup
6. GMO salmon
Mas…Pocho Ocho probable ways the CIA gave Hugo Chavez cancer
Hey, pochos, it’s 2013 and it looks like we’re in for more of the same old same old from our regular cast of characters!
Thrill as Sheriff Joe Arpaio returns in a Brand New Hate-Fest for the New Year!
Hold on to your seats as Still-Not-Dead-Yet Commie Super-Hero Hugo Chavez returns to reprise two of his greatest hits!
Smirk and snicker as CNN talking head Ruben Navarrette, Jr., who graduated from Harvard in case you didn’t know, tells those lazy DREAMers to sit up straight and quit talking or HE’S GOING TO STOP THE CAR and come back there. Dr. Rudy Acuña sets him straight.
These were the stories that broke the ñews on POCHO in the first week of 2013:
Mas…Ñewsweek: DREAMers dream, Arpaio hates, Hugo Chavez lives
Before capitalism cancer kills commie commissar Hugo Chavez and it would be TOO SOON to mock him, here’s a look back at POCHO’s coverage of the Venezuelan jefe:
(PNS reporting from CARACAS) Hugo Chavez — re-elected to a third six-year term as president of Venezuela — has again called on Americans to re-elect Pres. Barack Obama.
In a four-hour televised speech to his nation late Sunday, Chavez called Obama the best hope for Socialism in the Western Hemisphere. The left-wing strong man had previously endorsed the President in September.
“El Obama deserves your support, gringos,” he said in a rare foray into English. “He may not admit to being a Marxist-Leninist but inside he is as red as your Danny Glover and Oliver Estone.” [Continued here…]
Fidel Castro is still alive, you imperialist running dogs, and we’ve got photos to prove it. That was the message from Cuba’s official Communist Party newspaper Granma this week as rumors swirled that the ailing dictator had suffered a stroke and was incapacitated. Granma published this photo of Fidel on his prison island reading his own Mainstream Media.
But wait, there’s more! Here’s a selection of photos published by Cuban entertainment weekly Che Paso:
Mas…Cuba releases photos to show Comrade Fidel is not dead yet
There he goes again, that esneaky Barack Obama appealing to voters in a foreign language! For real Americans (who only speak English), we’ve translated his latest commercial so you can understand exactly where this vato is coming from. Sorry, we said “vato.”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, as both Cesar y Hugo Chavez made the headlines. The official National Monument to civil rights hero Cesar Chavez was dedicated in Kern County by El Presidente (POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz was there with his family and a camera) and Iran-loving commie dictator Hugo Chavez got reelected and then endorsed Obama.
And in San Francisco’s Mission District, one angry Chicana was not at all happy with her vida loca and wrote all about it. These are the stories that broke the ñews this week on POCHO:
Mas…Ñewsweek: Obama speaks Spanish, Cesar y Hugo Chavez, angry Chicana
(PNS reporting from CARACAS) Hugo Chavez — re-elected to a third six-year term as president of Venezuela — has again called on Americans to re-elect Pres. Barack Obama.
In a four-hour televised speech to his nation late Sunday, Chavez called Obama the best hope for Socialism in the Western Hemisphere. The left-wing strong man had previously endorsed the President in September.
“El Obama deserves your support, gringos,” he said in a rare foray into English. “He may not admit to being a Marxist-Leninist but inside he is as red as your Danny Glover and Oliver Estone. “
Mas…Victorious Hugo Chavez to Americans: ‘Back my socialist amigo Obama’
(PNS reporting from EL OTRO LADO) Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez and Cuba’s Fidel Castro are developing their own communist tablet computer, the KomradPad, and a custom commie operating system tentatively dubbed CheOS, according to industry sources.
Initial apps are said to include a Zynga-style game called Collective Farmville, a first-person shooter named Comrade In Arms: Road to a Workers’ Paradise and a socialist media app copied from Facebook called Secret Police Book, which, like FB, makes every status update, link and photo available to guardians of the State’s security.
Mas…Are Castro and Chavez planning KomradPad tablet and CheOS?
