Mujeres: Wearing Victoria’s Secret doesn’t make you a model

Supposebly, I was supposed to sex it up for my boyfriend Manuelito. He said the romance was gone and we needed to spice it up. So I did what any girl would do — I went to Victoria’s Secret.

I spent a long time in that store, too. I looked at everything they had — from those bras with the gel to make you look like you have more cleavage to the ones that scrunch your chi-chis together to make you look muy sexy and even considered those itty bitty tangas that would inevitably get lost somewhere in your pompis.

After all that looking around, I wondered: how do these tiny women manage to be so chichonas anyway?

I finally settled on something and went home to make it a special night. I lit sexy cinnamon candles, the kind that smell like churros, put on my new brassiere and waited for Manuelito to come over. Once he got there I was so excited! But, as it turn out, we were both in for a shock.

He just laughed at me.

“Ahahahah! ¡Güey! You look ridiculous! Nothing at all like the Victoria’s Secret models! What were you thinking?!” Needless to say, Manuelito had trouble making it back to his car that night and I was again single.

The moral of the story, mujeres, is that wearing Victoria’s Secret won’t make you look like the models, but it will help you tease out which boyfriend you need to get rid of.

Screenshot of Victoria’s Secret online bra department.