iJuan, smartphone app for day labor, scores $3,500,000 investment

by BUSINESS GWIRE PRESS RELEASE on November 6, 2014 in El Now, Pocho Ñews Service

ijuan(GUANAJUATO, MEXICO) iJuanCo, creator of iJuan, the first smartphone app to directly match day laborers and potential bosses, has secured a $3.5 million dollar investment from venture capital fund XS Dinero, iJuanCo company president Grito Del Toro announced here today.

Day laborers using the app will be able to register their schedules, skill set and service areas via iJuan, saving potential employers the hassle of cruising to Home Depot to hire workers while lessening the need for trabajeros to chase patrons’ trokas around the parking lot.

“We aim to disrupt the day labor market,” Del Toro said. “We’re turning wetbacks into techbacks!”

“The narcotraficante business is getting to be unpopular, what with all the deaths and shit,” XS Dinero CEO L. Gato Negro explained. “All the cool cartels want to get into software — and Takis. Since Takis is controlled by the Grupo Bimbo Cartel, we invested our excess dineros in an app to help the hardworking Mexicans who fled the country because we fucking ruined it. And if we can suck more cash out of these pobres paisas, orale!”

The ad-supported app (Windex, Red Bull and VapoRub have already signed contracts) has been through vigorous load-testing, according to Del Toro, and, he said, “We’re ready to roll out the product in the third quarter.”

“We spent a lot of time identifying the services most requested from day laborers, and that’s why we’ll be supporting worker and employer signups for both traditional and 21st-Century assignments,” he said. “The dirty money capital from XS Dinero will be used to manufacturer and distribute bootleg DVDs announcing the product at flea markets and swap meets across the Southwest, and we’re planning on moving up to Chicago when the weather gets better.”

While the list of services is still be finalized, Del Toro says workers and employers can expect to find these specialties:

  • General Labor
  • Landscaping
  • Painting
  • Windows
  • Defenestration
  • Roofing
  • Chisme
  • Belt Spanking
  • Electromolecular Microbiology
  • Dog Walking
  • La Chancla
  • Catcall Protection
  • Salsa Making
  • Salsa Dancing
  • Guacamole On Call
  • Clean Your Apartment
  • Clean Your Nopales
  • Dial-A-Dicho
  • Rocket Science
  • Mal Ojo
  • Limpia For Mal Ojo
  • Walking Like A Cholo
  • Drive-Bys
  • Shanking

“This is just the beginning,” lead software architect Sarak Calderon noted.

“When we get into the Florida market,” she said, “we’ll be rolling out new Hispanic Caribbean specialities like Brujeria, Balseros, Reggaeton Rehab, Cuban Sandwich Pressing and Boricua Mansplaining.”

iJuanCo is one of the startup firms lured to Guanajuato by Gov. Alejandro Ramirez Sanchez de Bernstein, as he works to broaden the region’s economy. Until recently, the area was dependent on the sale of Guanajuato’s primary exports, guano and, of course, juato.

Press Release Contact:
Marina Erlich
(212) 555-5000

ElEresNerd, Celina Martinez and Sara Inés Calderón contributed to this story.

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO, INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

{ 2 comments }

Bro-cero Program November 6, 2014 at 12:35 PM

Sweeeeeeeeeeet!

notreally November 8, 2014 at 9:58 PM

This actually funny and offensive. I usually like that. But it is in the mix of all this star fucking (If Steve was in the same room with Al Madrigal he would probably get the bends lip locking on his….)and and adulation of some inner circle in Los that nobody gives a %$#@ about. So taking self loathing jabs at people who are not subsidized by white guilt on the west side just smacks of an actual Pocho() not the word you sought to redefine but someone who wishes he was Jewish, Latin(do you Salsa), Black or White.

Have a nice day Anchor Babies
13 C/S

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