Dear Abuelita: Dyeing for love, men and toilet seats, do I look fat?

Dear Abuelita,
My question is simple: Should I dye my hair black? I am starting to get white hairs and a streak in the front. My original color is black. I’m 49 so it is not premature. It just seems everyone does it until age 60 or 70, like an old lady’s right of passage, and one old aunt even said I better do it quick before my fiance decides not to marry me!
Socorro, Socorro! Mis pelos estan cambiando plata

Dear Mix ‘n’ Match Carpet and Drapes,
It’s preguntas like this that make me want to pull the white pelos off your cabeza with my bare hands. What’s wrong with white hair? George Washington didn’t dye his hair and Martha married him anyway. Any fiance who would dump you over a few canas isn’t worth your time.

I don’t care if you’re already beyond your years as a catch. I hope you’re not planning on wearing white for your wedding. Sin verguenza! But, if you must dye your hair, just remember to dye your carpet the same color.
Adoringly, Tu Abuelita

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Dyeing for love, men and toilet seats, do I look fat?

Dear Abuelita: Is she faithful, his dirty hands, to poke or not to poke

Dear Abuelita,
How can I know if my GF has no boyfriend other than me?
Signed, To be honest

Dear To Be or Not To Be,
What kind of pregunta is this, do you think I’m a Magic 8 Ball? I may not be able to give the answer but I can give you a few tips to find out for yourself.

You can volunteer to do her laundry and then do a scratch-and-sniff with her calzones to see if you detect the aroma of another vato. If that doesn’t work then you can buy a wig and fake bigote then get a rental car and do a sancho stakeout in front of her place.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Is she faithful, his dirty hands, to poke or not to poke

Dear Abuelita: Love cab for fatty, pee-pee pequeño, pochas in jorts

Dear Abuelita:
Why do Mexicans/pochas always wear cutoff jeans to the playa? It bothers me that we have some of the most beautiful women in our raza that they are not proud of their beauty.
Signed, El Pocho

Dear Beach Bothered Bingo,
So, according to you, Mexicans (pochas) need to walk around the beach with their nalgas pa fuera (like the sucia gabachas) in order to feel proud of her beauty. Who says they’re not proud?

Mexican (pocha) chicas in cutoff jeans and the playa go together like the homies in cholo chorts and tube socks kicking it on the sand. Are you going to ask those vatos why they don’t wear Speedos? Déjalo, leave them alone. Just worry about the sand in your own crack and go watch another rerun of Baywatch.
Love, Abuelita

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Love cab for fatty, pee-pee pequeño, pochas in jorts

Dear Abuelita: Sporting man, subway kind of love, these kids today

Dear Abuelita,
The fourth race at Hollywood Park Friday night (mares and fillies, 5 1/2 furlongs, three-year-olds and up) appears very competitive to me, but analysis indicates I should look closely at #7 La Sancha, with 117-pound jockey V. Espinoza holding the reins. Some handicappers maintain that the predicted hot weather points to #5 Onyx Be Good with jockey A. Perez at 112 pounds; the hope is the lighter load will be easier in the heated air. Any thoughts?
A horse is a horse

Dear Exacta mente,
Who do you think I am? Charles Bukowski, or worse your pinche bookie? So you like mares and fillies with 5 1/2 furlongs. I thought waxing was the “in” thing these days.

Well, seeing how you’re looking at La Sancha, it’s safe to say you like the exotic wagers. Smart move, you can kill two ponies with a two-peso quinella and come out quite the stud. Speaking of stud, what say you meet me with your winnings at the Turf Club? Remember to dress “smart casual.” I’ll be in my fancy muumuu.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Sporting man, subway kind of love, these kids today

Dear Abuelita: WiFi bath salts, leave it to Beaver, going down

Hey Old Lady!
Oh they think they are so friggin clever but I know what they are up to listening to me through my wifi and microwave well i have nothing to hide so neener neener Mr. and Ms. Big Brother politically correct death panel.

YOU WAN TO TAKE MY GUNNAWAY WELL HELL NO WE WONT GO. Don’t tase me bro hahah. I fought the law and law Juan. law Juan get it? Rock and roll will always die it will always be yakkity yak don’t talk back take out the papers and the trash or you dont get no steenkin cash. You have advice for me OLD LADY?

Why you smell like mota and not mocha? hahahaha.
Signed, Dada Doodoo

Dear Dodo Bird,
Que idiota! Have the drogas worn off yet? I don’t have time for your paranoid rants and raves. There are perfectly good street corners for you to stand on for spewing this kind of nonsense. Why don’t you go find one and leave me alone. Make sure you get there early before the OG vatos from Victory Outreach beat you to it. Better yet, stand on a corner opposite them and use your Mr. Microphone. I know you have one.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: WiFi bath salts, leave it to Beaver, going down

Dear Abuelita: Toad in a hole, wolf at the door, hitting the G-spot

Dear Abeulita:
Hi, I am sorry for this message because it may get to you as surprise but it’s because of the situation of things right now. I want use this opportunity to explain my problem.

I was here in London on vacation with my family but yesterday thing changed because i was mugged at hotel we are staying. The worse of it is that bags, cash and cards and my cell phone was stolen at during the incident and it’s such a crazy experience for us. Now, we stranded here without any money with us and we to need fly back home. Although we are so happy that we are physically OK and our passport still save with us.

We have been to police to make report about the incident but the best help they could render to us is that they took us to the embassy. Now, embassy have arrange a flight for us which was schedule on 15th of August but we don’t want to wait long anymore before we can get back home. I have been able to raise some money for the ticket but we are still short of little cash to complete the money and I will appreciate if you can be able to help us out with the little cash that we need.

I promise that i will pay you back any amount you can loan me as soon as i get back home. I will like you to get back to me as soon as possible Thanks you,
Signed, Your Nephew Carlos Abuelito

Dear Imposter,
Mentiroso, I don’t have a nephew Carlos and if I did he would never be a bleeding wanker like you. Instead he would enjoy an extended holiday in London, mostly indulging in British cuisine.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Toad in a hole, wolf at the door, hitting the G-spot

Dear Abuelita: Wife and lover, my ring-a-ding, trouble at the zoo

Dear Abuelita:
Is it possible to love two women at the same time? You see, I love my wive and I would do anything for her, but I also love my secret lover who inspires me in different ways that my wife does not. I make more love to my secret lover than to my wife. I think both of my loves complement my needs and I need both of them to be at peace.
Signed, Confused But Happy

Dear Con Fundio,
Don’t act like a tonto by saying you’d do anything for your wife. If you really meant it you would dump the hoochie coochie you have on the side and be a devoted husband. You’re so full of mierda, you need a lavativa not a lover.

Of course both your “loves” complement your needs. You’re a sin verguenza. Have you ever thought of the needs of your two women? How much are you offering them? I wouldn’t blame them if they had some one else on the side as well. Would serve you right.

Your pregunta is the biggest load of cacagada I’ve seen since my sancho plugged the toilet with one of his massive camotes.
Me da asco, cabron, Tu Abuelita

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Wife and lover, my ring-a-ding, trouble at the zoo

Dear Abuelita: Busty rebozo, itchy nalgas, chilly chi-chis

Dear Abuelita,
I’m a 43-year old married woman, but I think I fell in love with a 20-year old guy. I know he thinks of me as his mother and I have hinted my feelings for him but was rejected flat. Am I going through menopause? Midlife crisis? I can’t stop thinking about him and it’s been almost a year since I last saw him. How do I get over this?
Pendeja enamorada

Dear Pendeja enamorada,
Being obsessed with a firm 20-year-old muchacho is not love but it is a sure bet that you are a healthy 43-year old woman. You’re married, you’re bored, you’re feeling like a vieja way before your years and you’re horny. It’s natural.

BTW – I’m curious as to why he thought of you as his mother when you are only 23 years older than he is.

Did you try getting him to suck your tetas when riding the bus by tossing a rebozo over his head and popping them out? Maybe he was just the wrong guy to try that on. There are a lot of sick puppies out there into that sort of thing. So, I’ve heard.
Adoringly, Tu Abuelita

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Busty rebozo, itchy nalgas, chilly chi-chis

Dear Abuelita: Sexting, white-washed Chicana, July 4 fireworks

Dear Abuelita,
What is the deal on “sexting”? Do guys really think a low-res cam-phone photo of their junk will make me swoon with desire?

Take me to a gallery opening or a new artisan bakery or something dick-less, por plis.

If I judged boys by dick pics, my dance card would be filled with Stiff, Vein-y and Ugly. And that means you, Eduardo. Stop it!
Signed, Just an old-fashioned girl, I guess

Dear Old-Fashioned Whiner,
Let’s be honest, we all know you swoon over the low-res cell-cam photos. I’d even bet your cell phone is set on vibrate and kept tucked in your chonies, cochina.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Sexting, white-washed Chicana, July 4 fireworks

Dear Abuelita: Cholo scars, snoring horrors, mota bars

Yo, Abeuelita, sup?
In my wayward youth I was a gangbanger and have the bullet wounds, knife scars and tats to prove it. But those days are over and I’m now a legally-employed husband and dad with two kids.

The shorties are getting big enough to where they will soon begin to ask me questions about these things and I don’t know what exactly to say. What did you tell your kids about your tattoos and bullet wounds (if you have any?)
Signed: X Loco 

Dear X Loco,
Thank your lucky estrella tattoos I didn’t know you as a gangbanger chavalon otherwise you’d have a lot more wounds to explain. Don’t worry, I’m not going to smack you across the coco with an Abuelita Reality Chancla for anything you’ve done in the past. It appears you’ve had your share of hard knocks as it is.

Kids aren’t stupid, eventually they will dig up some old MySpace page with photos of you and your homies showing off your bullet wounds and tattoos.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Cholo scars, snoring horrors, mota bars

Dear Abuelita: Maybe I’m doing it wrong, Chican@, burning bras

Dear Abuelita:
I’ll give to you straight. I’m newly-married and confused. My wife won’t give me oral sex and she refuses to let me do her. She says it is sinful.

We were both virgins when we were married so it didn’t come up before, but it’s making things difficult in the bedroom. She won’t allow anything other than straight “missionary position” and seems to treat it more as a chore than fun and she doesn’t experience orgasm but that’s no big deal as far as she is concerned.

What am I doing wrong? I thought this was a gift from God that we were both supposed to enjoy.
Is that all there is?

Dear Sinless,
Murder is a crime. Divorce is a sin. Adultery isn’t always what it’s made up to be in the novelas. I don’t have any advice for you. What were you thinking by being a virgin groom? I should smack you with a wet rosary for being such a menso.

Do you still have your Gift from God receipt? If so, you may want to consider returning your gift because it’s not working. I sure hope you both make it to heaven because your marriage sounds like a sexless hell. Unless you change religions, eso es todo. Que triste!
Adoringly, Tu Abuelita

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Maybe I’m doing it wrong, Chican@, burning bras

Dear Abuelita: Love cab for fatty, pee-pee pequeño, pochas in jorts

Dear Abuelita:
Why do Mexicans/pochas always wear cutoff jeans to the playa? It bothers me that we have some of the most beautiful women in our raza that they are not proud of their beauty.
Signed, El Pocho

Dear Beach Bothered Bingo,
So, according to you, Mexicans (pochas) need to walk around the beach with their nalgas pa fuera (like the sucia gabachas) in order to feel proud of her beauty. Who says they’re not proud?

Mexican (pocha) chicas in cutoff jeans and the playa go together like the homies in cholo chorts and tube socks kicking it on the sand. Are you going to ask those vatos why they don’t wear Speedos? Déjalo, leave them alone. Just worry about the sand in your own crack and go watch another rerun of Baywatch.
Love, Abuelita

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Love cab for fatty, pee-pee pequeño, pochas in jorts

Dear Abuelita: Look it up, paranoid guy and K-Y® Brand Jelly

Dear Abuelita,
In elementary school they used to make us sing a song “Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother’s house to we go. The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh through the white and drifted snow!” Huh? Both my abuelas died before I was born so I never met them but I know for damn sure they were never near a pinche snow sleigh! Why do they make us sing songs about someone else’s family?
Signed, Estranger in Estrange Land

Dear Estranger,
I won’t toss a chancla at you for not knowing that song was written by un chingona who opposed slavery over a hundred years ago. Instead I’m going to crack a wooden spoon over that cabeza dura of yours. FYI, I’m running low on chanclas. I wear a size 9.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Look it up, paranoid guy and K-Y® Brand Jelly

Dear Abuelita: Obama or Romney? Flour or corn? Quinceaneras?

Dear Abuelita,
What are you drinking? Is that “Chocolate Abuelita?” It looks different. Anyway…I heard that Mitt Romney really likes Hispanics. Do you think I should vote for him or should I vote for my Negrito again? At least I know that he supports the Dream Act.

Aayy! Abuelita, please ease my worries.
Signed, Aye Voted

Dear Nowhere Near Being PC,
I’m drinking my medicine. It helps me see things clearly and loosens up my middle finger – which I am raising at the screen this very moment.

Hispanics?! Where are you from that you use such offensive terminology? Negrito?! No one uses that word anymore, let alone use it in reference to the President. Not even the modern version of Loteria has El Negrito on the playing cards. Although, it’s still okay to name your perro Negrito, Blackie or Prieto. That’s different.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Obama or Romney? Flour or corn? Quinceaneras?

Dear Abuelita: Prisoner’s dilemma, flashback to the Summer of Love

Dear Abuelita,
OK so I went to this internet dating site and filled out this long questionnaire about my inner feelings and wants and desires and what are my values and what is important to me and all that and still I get no replies from the chicas I email. I will be out in eight months and then under home detention so these girls know I can’t run around on them. What am I doing wrong?
Signed, 098765433456789

Dear 098765433456789,
Obviously you haven’t heard of FirmeHynas.com because that site is filled with locas who love jailbirds. You’ve got better odds finding a mate on this dating site than you have coming out of the pinta with you sphincter intact.

Those homegirls are desperate for love and will beat down their own daughter or mother for a man. You want true love – they’ll give you their undivided devotion con dedications on the radio even.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Prisoner’s dilemma, flashback to the Summer of Love

Dear Abuelita: Foreskin and seven years ago, I’ve got man boobs

Dear Abuelita,
I have still my cuero (foreskin) and I was wondering if I get circumcised will I feel better when I am inside a choncho or will I be wasting my ficha.
Signed, Extra Carne

Dear Extra Carne Carnal,
Some people dislike extra carnita on their flauta but a little foreskin can be fun during foreplay. I can’t tell you how many times I played peek-a-boo with uncut pee-pees. Now you see it – now you don’t. Now you see it – oh, the laughs we had.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Foreskin and seven years ago, I’ve got man boobs

Dear Abuelita: Gay for a day, my 34C boobs, a career in modeling

Dear Abuelita,
I wear a 34C bra. My boyfriend is always scoping out girls with bigger boobs. Should I get implants?
Titi Caca

Dear Titi Caca,
Here’s what you need to do: Tell your boyfriend to look in the mirror the next time he wants to see a big boob then dump the pendejo. As for you, make yourself an appointment for a self-esteem implant ASAP. That’s all I have to say. I don’t have time to figure out the root of your insecurities. There are more important things to focus on than your pea-sized mosquito bites.

Do you have any idea how much trouble big chi-chis are? Let me tell you, they can be a real pain in the ass! I mean it, I once flung mine over my shoulders so hard the damned things left bruises on my nalgas.
Love, Your Abuelita

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Gay for a day, my 34C boobs, a career in modeling

Dear Abuelita: Does my extensive toy frog collection scare off men?

Dear Abuelita,
For the last 20 years of my 30, I’ve been collecting toy frogs. My apartment is so full of frogs there is barely a place to sit down. I’ve never had a long-term boyfriend because I can never invite them over for fear they will freak out. How can I find a man that will love me, frogs and all?
Sincerely, Ribbit in Frog Town

Dear Rosie the Ribbiter,
Do you kiss your toy frogs in hopes of finding a prince? Insanity makes a person do funny things, tu sabes. This is unhealthy behavior, mija. The only man you’ll find this way is a wart-covered serial killer or a Beanie Baby collector – both equally dangerous. Time to clean house. Get rid of the girlie toys and make room for boys with adult toys.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Does my extensive toy frog collection scare off men?

Dear Abuelita: I howl like a dog in my sleep – could I be horny?

Dear Abuelita,
Early this morning while I was sleeping I thought my Jack-Chi dog Chacho was howling from his chair in the living room. (He enjoys the wing-backed chair with the mauve chenille cushion.) I called out for him to come to me. My roommate (my ex who is still legally my husband) came into my room and asked if I was OK. He told me I was the one who was howling, not Chacho! What is happening to me?
Howling into the Night

Dear Night Howler,
Aye, mija, it sounds like you’re in heat and it’s no wonder. You’ve got a dog who sleeps in a cushioned wing-backed chair and an ex (who is still legally your husband) living under your roof. The combined testosterone pollution is making you howl like a horny bitch. If you don’t do something soon you’re bound to start dragging your nalgas around on the carpet and resort to licking yourself in public.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: I howl like a dog in my sleep – could I be horny?

Dear Abuelita: I’m 48 and I love this guy but I think I scared him off

Querida Abuelita,
I’m a 48-year-old hot-blooded Latina and pienso que I’ve finally fallen in love por la ultima vez as in I WANT TO MARRY THIS MAN! Problem is quizas I have scared him away after he hit his nerdy cabeza falling so hard for me, too. How do I hook the love of my life? Por favor, I’m tired of praying to baby Jesus, just help me with your wise words…
Fallen Hard

Dear 48 and Failing Hard (I mean, Fallen Hard),
I don’t blame the off-balance nerdy vato for running. Do you have any idea how desperate you sound? Forty-eight, in love por la ultima vez, want to marry the guy, praying to baby Jesus? Hiljole madre, just reading your woes makes me want to hit my cabeza with a full can of cerveza.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: I’m 48 and I love this guy but I think I scared him off

Dear Abuelita: Is my girlfriend really a virgin? And why no sex now?

Dear Abuelita:
I am a 20-year-old Latino man. My girlfriend will not have sex with me until we get married and she insists she’s a virgin. I’m not sure she’s telling the truth. Is there any way to tell if she’s a virgin or not?
Crazy with Celibacy

Dear Crazy with Celibacy:
Ever hear of “something old, something new, something borrowed and some things are turning blue?” Listen, loco, there is only one sign you should be looking for and it’s an EXIT sign. Head for the hills, better yet, head to where buffalo girls roam and don’t come home until you’ve got your color back. That is unless…

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Is my girlfriend really a virgin? And why no sex now?