Dear Abuelita: Sporting man, subway kind of love, these kids today

Dear Abuelita,
The fourth race at Hollywood Park Friday night (mares and fillies, 5 1/2 furlongs, three-year-olds and up) appears very competitive to me, but analysis indicates I should look closely at #7 La Sancha, with 117-pound jockey V. Espinoza holding the reins. Some handicappers maintain that the predicted hot weather points to #5 Onyx Be Good with jockey A. Perez at 112 pounds; the hope is the lighter load will be easier in the heated air. Any thoughts?
A horse is a horse

Dear Exacta mente,
Who do you think I am? Charles Bukowski, or worse your pinche bookie? So you like mares and fillies with 5 1/2 furlongs. I thought waxing was the “in” thing these days.

Well, seeing how you’re looking at La Sancha, it’s safe to say you like the exotic wagers. Smart move, you can kill two ponies with a two-peso quinella and come out quite the stud. Speaking of stud, what say you meet me with your winnings at the Turf Club? Remember to dress “smart casual.” I’ll be in my fancy muumuu.

And always remember to key horses and cars illegally parked in the handicap zone. .
Parlay vous French kisses, Tu abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
I’ve been divorced for about 12 years and haven’t really gotten back into the game as far as finding a new woman is concerned. I’ve taken care of my sexual needs single-handedly, so to speak.

Lately, though, I’ve had experiences and insights that would be much more meaningful if there were someone close to me I could share them with. I think life is better when it is shared and posting on Facebook isn’t the same as snuggling and whispering sharing secrets and dreams.

So tell me Abuelita, where should a 48-year-old reasonably-attractive man with a steady income go to meet a woman who could become a life companion? I’m specifically looking for a woman who enjoys dressing up like she was in the Renaissance, spicy tuna rolls and Captain Beefheart, but I’d be OK with a French maid outfit if she preferred. Oh, and salmon-skin hand rolls. And Zappa I guess. Is there an app for that?
Signed, Ready to try again

Drear Ready Steady Go,
Ah, you’re looking for a geisha wench with a Beefheart-Zappa Fu Manchu who smells like tuna en un French Maid outfit. Thou art lucky, Papa-san! I know exactly the woman you described. You can catch her at any of the downtown subway stations when the sun sets. Follow your nariz, tell her Tu Abuelita sent you.

Another thing, don’t retire that mano of yours because unless you stop being such a delicado when it comes to finding a woman then I predict many more years of meeting your sexual needs hans solo, so to speak. Go find a regular mujer y no me jodas.
Tu Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
I feel really odd even saying this but WTF IS WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY? It’s not their music, their hair, their clothes, their language, their idiocy, their ignorance and/or their rudeness. You expect that from the little pendejos.

For reasons I’d rather not discuss, I am a frequent visitor to the restrooms of various coffee places, fast food restaurants, food courts, and other similar publicly-accessible accommodations. For the most part, these facilities are well-maintained, especially considering the high traffic they encounter.

Except for one thing and I hold these damn kids today who get these fast food jobs cleaning the restrooms I hold them responsible. Where did you grow up? Didn’t your mother teach you anything? Everyone knows the proper way to set up the toilet paper is so that it pulls down from over the top. STRAIGHTEN UP YOU DAMN KIDS AND GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER.
Signed, Twisted Mister

Dear Chonies in a Twist,
Hijo de la máquina, if I get one more pregunta that has to do with how toilet paper should feed I’m going on strike! Who gives a caca which way the paper rolls. As long as it does the job, who cares.

So, you don’t have an issue with the fact that kids these days are a bunch of sin verguezas. Instead you are offended by the way they insert a roll of toilet paper in the dispenser.

I’m more concerned with the reason you’re always visiting the public servicios. Are you rearranging the spy cam? Pinche pervert. If it’s an issue of incontinence spare yourself the aggravation of having to deal with toilet paper insertion incompetent jovenes by wearing an adult diaper while out and about. Works for me.
You can always Depend on Tu Abuelita for help


Do you have a pregunta for your Dear Abuelita, mijos? I want to help!

No question too odd. No answers guaranteed.
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please make sure you send me your home phone.

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