This is my new motto: ‘WWND? What would nana do?’

nanaWhile advances in technology make some areas of our lives easier, good old-fashioned child rearing has become more complicated.

In our grandparent’s day, it was a simpler time. They didn’t have the luxury of worrying about play dates and preschool applications.

I have a motto that has become a guiding principle for applying “old school” methods to present day parenting.

What would nana do?

I’m barely awake, preparing breakfast while holding the baby, trying to sip on day old coffee when my toddler asks me to cut her bread into shapes.

WWND? In nana’s day, a square slice was the only shape you were going to get.

It’s 4:30 pm, the witching hour. Despite the baby screaming all day, I’ve proudly set the table and prepared a healthy dinner. My toddler takes one look at her plate and breaks down in tears because she wants ice cream for dinner.

Mas…This is my new motto: ‘WWND? What would nana do?’

Hillary: I’m like your abuela! Twitter: #NoMames #NotMyAbuela

hilllaryabuelaHillary Clinton’s campaign shared the “7 Ways Hillary Clinton Is Just Like Your Abuela” on her website Tuesday (photo), after daughter Chelsea announced that she was pregnant.

“[Hillary] isn’t afraid to talk about the importance of el respeto,” the site proclaimed, and “she knows what’s best.”

Also, we learned, “she reacts this way when people le faltan el respeto:”

Mas…Hillary: I’m like your abuela! Twitter: #NoMames #NotMyAbuela

Abuela with iPad terrorizes area family via Facebook

IGgrannyipad(PNS reporting from CHICAGO) Rigoberto “Rigo” Chavez, 15, cringed in horror when he logged into Facebook Thursday morning and received a notification that his abuelita had once again commented on his status.

The high school junior had posted a status that read “$waaaag$” and Abuelita replied in ALL CAPS:

CACHORRITO ERES LA LUZ DE MI VIDA. CUIDATE MUCHO TE QUIERO

Mas…Abuela with iPad terrorizes area family via Facebook

Spanish art-restoring abuelita expert makes her mark at La Basilica

(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Famed Spanish art-restoring abuelita Cecilia Gimenez has decided to visit La Basilica here, which houses the famed image of La Virgen de Guadalupe.

The fading portrait miraculously appeared on Aztec Indian Juan Diego’s robe 500 years ago.

The image needed some touching up, said Gimenez, who waited until the Basilica closed and somehow pried open the sealed display case and did a quick restoration.

“It looks so much better now,” said Gimenez from the Mexico City jail, adding, “I just don’t know why Jesus would appear to some Indio dressed like a woman.”

Upon seeing the restoration, the Mexican government quickly awarded Gimenez the Aztec Order of the Eagle medal.

Full image here:

Mas…Spanish art-restoring abuelita expert makes her mark at La Basilica

Dear Abuelita: Dyeing for love, men and toilet seats, do I look fat?

Dear Abuelita,
My question is simple: Should I dye my hair black? I am starting to get white hairs and a streak in the front. My original color is black. I’m 49 so it is not premature. It just seems everyone does it until age 60 or 70, like an old lady’s right of passage, and one old aunt even said I better do it quick before my fiance decides not to marry me!
Socorro, Socorro! Mis pelos estan cambiando plata

Dear Mix ‘n’ Match Carpet and Drapes,
It’s preguntas like this that make me want to pull the white pelos off your cabeza with my bare hands. What’s wrong with white hair? George Washington didn’t dye his hair and Martha married him anyway. Any fiance who would dump you over a few canas isn’t worth your time.

I don’t care if you’re already beyond your years as a catch. I hope you’re not planning on wearing white for your wedding. Sin verguenza! But, if you must dye your hair, just remember to dye your carpet the same color.
Adoringly, Tu Abuelita

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Dyeing for love, men and toilet seats, do I look fat?

Dear Abuelita: Is she faithful, his dirty hands, to poke or not to poke

Dear Abuelita,
How can I know if my GF has no boyfriend other than me?
Signed, To be honest

Dear To Be or Not To Be,
What kind of pregunta is this, do you think I’m a Magic 8 Ball? I may not be able to give the answer but I can give you a few tips to find out for yourself.

You can volunteer to do her laundry and then do a scratch-and-sniff with her calzones to see if you detect the aroma of another vato. If that doesn’t work then you can buy a wig and fake bigote then get a rental car and do a sancho stakeout in front of her place.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Is she faithful, his dirty hands, to poke or not to poke

Dear Abuelita: Love cab for fatty, pee-pee pequeño, pochas in jorts

Dear Abuelita:
Why do Mexicans/pochas always wear cutoff jeans to the playa? It bothers me that we have some of the most beautiful women in our raza that they are not proud of their beauty.
Signed, El Pocho

Dear Beach Bothered Bingo,
So, according to you, Mexicans (pochas) need to walk around the beach with their nalgas pa fuera (like the sucia gabachas) in order to feel proud of her beauty. Who says they’re not proud?

Mexican (pocha) chicas in cutoff jeans and the playa go together like the homies in cholo chorts and tube socks kicking it on the sand. Are you going to ask those vatos why they don’t wear Speedos? Déjalo, leave them alone. Just worry about the sand in your own crack and go watch another rerun of Baywatch.
Love, Abuelita

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Love cab for fatty, pee-pee pequeño, pochas in jorts

Dear Abuelita: Sporting man, subway kind of love, these kids today

Dear Abuelita,
The fourth race at Hollywood Park Friday night (mares and fillies, 5 1/2 furlongs, three-year-olds and up) appears very competitive to me, but analysis indicates I should look closely at #7 La Sancha, with 117-pound jockey V. Espinoza holding the reins. Some handicappers maintain that the predicted hot weather points to #5 Onyx Be Good with jockey A. Perez at 112 pounds; the hope is the lighter load will be easier in the heated air. Any thoughts?
A horse is a horse

Dear Exacta mente,
Who do you think I am? Charles Bukowski, or worse your pinche bookie? So you like mares and fillies with 5 1/2 furlongs. I thought waxing was the “in” thing these days.

Well, seeing how you’re looking at La Sancha, it’s safe to say you like the exotic wagers. Smart move, you can kill two ponies with a two-peso quinella and come out quite the stud. Speaking of stud, what say you meet me with your winnings at the Turf Club? Remember to dress “smart casual.” I’ll be in my fancy muumuu.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Sporting man, subway kind of love, these kids today

Dear Abuelita: WiFi bath salts, leave it to Beaver, going down

Hey Old Lady!
Oh they think they are so friggin clever but I know what they are up to listening to me through my wifi and microwave well i have nothing to hide so neener neener Mr. and Ms. Big Brother politically correct death panel.

YOU WAN TO TAKE MY GUNNAWAY WELL HELL NO WE WONT GO. Don’t tase me bro hahah. I fought the law and law Juan. law Juan get it? Rock and roll will always die it will always be yakkity yak don’t talk back take out the papers and the trash or you dont get no steenkin cash. You have advice for me OLD LADY?

Why you smell like mota and not mocha? hahahaha.
Signed, Dada Doodoo

Dear Dodo Bird,
Que idiota! Have the drogas worn off yet? I don’t have time for your paranoid rants and raves. There are perfectly good street corners for you to stand on for spewing this kind of nonsense. Why don’t you go find one and leave me alone. Make sure you get there early before the OG vatos from Victory Outreach beat you to it. Better yet, stand on a corner opposite them and use your Mr. Microphone. I know you have one.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: WiFi bath salts, leave it to Beaver, going down

Dear Abuelita: Toad in a hole, wolf at the door, hitting the G-spot

Dear Abeulita:
Hi, I am sorry for this message because it may get to you as surprise but it’s because of the situation of things right now. I want use this opportunity to explain my problem.

I was here in London on vacation with my family but yesterday thing changed because i was mugged at hotel we are staying. The worse of it is that bags, cash and cards and my cell phone was stolen at during the incident and it’s such a crazy experience for us. Now, we stranded here without any money with us and we to need fly back home. Although we are so happy that we are physically OK and our passport still save with us.

We have been to police to make report about the incident but the best help they could render to us is that they took us to the embassy. Now, embassy have arrange a flight for us which was schedule on 15th of August but we don’t want to wait long anymore before we can get back home. I have been able to raise some money for the ticket but we are still short of little cash to complete the money and I will appreciate if you can be able to help us out with the little cash that we need.

I promise that i will pay you back any amount you can loan me as soon as i get back home. I will like you to get back to me as soon as possible Thanks you,
Signed, Your Nephew Carlos Abuelito

Dear Imposter,
Mentiroso, I don’t have a nephew Carlos and if I did he would never be a bleeding wanker like you. Instead he would enjoy an extended holiday in London, mostly indulging in British cuisine.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Toad in a hole, wolf at the door, hitting the G-spot

Dear Abuelita: Wife and lover, my ring-a-ding, trouble at the zoo

Dear Abuelita:
Is it possible to love two women at the same time? You see, I love my wive and I would do anything for her, but I also love my secret lover who inspires me in different ways that my wife does not. I make more love to my secret lover than to my wife. I think both of my loves complement my needs and I need both of them to be at peace.
Signed, Confused But Happy

Dear Con Fundio,
Don’t act like a tonto by saying you’d do anything for your wife. If you really meant it you would dump the hoochie coochie you have on the side and be a devoted husband. You’re so full of mierda, you need a lavativa not a lover.

Of course both your “loves” complement your needs. You’re a sin verguenza. Have you ever thought of the needs of your two women? How much are you offering them? I wouldn’t blame them if they had some one else on the side as well. Would serve you right.

Your pregunta is the biggest load of cacagada I’ve seen since my sancho plugged the toilet with one of his massive camotes.
Me da asco, cabron, Tu Abuelita

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Wife and lover, my ring-a-ding, trouble at the zoo

Dear Abuelita: Busty rebozo, itchy nalgas, chilly chi-chis

Dear Abuelita,
I’m a 43-year old married woman, but I think I fell in love with a 20-year old guy. I know he thinks of me as his mother and I have hinted my feelings for him but was rejected flat. Am I going through menopause? Midlife crisis? I can’t stop thinking about him and it’s been almost a year since I last saw him. How do I get over this?
Pendeja enamorada

Dear Pendeja enamorada,
Being obsessed with a firm 20-year-old muchacho is not love but it is a sure bet that you are a healthy 43-year old woman. You’re married, you’re bored, you’re feeling like a vieja way before your years and you’re horny. It’s natural.

BTW – I’m curious as to why he thought of you as his mother when you are only 23 years older than he is.

Did you try getting him to suck your tetas when riding the bus by tossing a rebozo over his head and popping them out? Maybe he was just the wrong guy to try that on. There are a lot of sick puppies out there into that sort of thing. So, I’ve heard.
Adoringly, Tu Abuelita

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Busty rebozo, itchy nalgas, chilly chi-chis

Dear Abuelita: Cholo scars, snoring horrors, mota bars

Yo, Abeuelita, sup?
In my wayward youth I was a gangbanger and have the bullet wounds, knife scars and tats to prove it. But those days are over and I’m now a legally-employed husband and dad with two kids.

The shorties are getting big enough to where they will soon begin to ask me questions about these things and I don’t know what exactly to say. What did you tell your kids about your tattoos and bullet wounds (if you have any?)
Signed: X Loco 

Dear X Loco,
Thank your lucky estrella tattoos I didn’t know you as a gangbanger chavalon otherwise you’d have a lot more wounds to explain. Don’t worry, I’m not going to smack you across the coco with an Abuelita Reality Chancla for anything you’ve done in the past. It appears you’ve had your share of hard knocks as it is.

Kids aren’t stupid, eventually they will dig up some old MySpace page with photos of you and your homies showing off your bullet wounds and tattoos.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Cholo scars, snoring horrors, mota bars

Dear Abuelita: Maybe I’m doing it wrong, Chican@, burning bras

Dear Abuelita:
I’ll give to you straight. I’m newly-married and confused. My wife won’t give me oral sex and she refuses to let me do her. She says it is sinful.

We were both virgins when we were married so it didn’t come up before, but it’s making things difficult in the bedroom. She won’t allow anything other than straight “missionary position” and seems to treat it more as a chore than fun and she doesn’t experience orgasm but that’s no big deal as far as she is concerned.

What am I doing wrong? I thought this was a gift from God that we were both supposed to enjoy.
Is that all there is?

Dear Sinless,
Murder is a crime. Divorce is a sin. Adultery isn’t always what it’s made up to be in the novelas. I don’t have any advice for you. What were you thinking by being a virgin groom? I should smack you with a wet rosary for being such a menso.

Do you still have your Gift from God receipt? If so, you may want to consider returning your gift because it’s not working. I sure hope you both make it to heaven because your marriage sounds like a sexless hell. Unless you change religions, eso es todo. Que triste!
Adoringly, Tu Abuelita

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Maybe I’m doing it wrong, Chican@, burning bras