Dear Abuelita: Wife and lover, my ring-a-ding, trouble at the zoo

Dear Abuelita:
Is it possible to love two women at the same time? You see, I love my wive and I would do anything for her, but I also love my secret lover who inspires me in different ways that my wife does not. I make more love to my secret lover than to my wife. I think both of my loves complement my needs and I need both of them to be at peace.
Signed, Confused But Happy

Dear Con Fundio,
Don’t act like a tonto by saying you’d do anything for your wife. If you really meant it you would dump the hoochie coochie you have on the side and be a devoted husband. You’re so full of mierda, you need a lavativa not a lover.

Of course both your “loves” complement your needs. You’re a sin verguenza. Have you ever thought of the needs of your two women? How much are you offering them? I wouldn’t blame them if they had some one else on the side as well. Would serve you right.

Your pregunta is the biggest load of cacagada I’ve seen since my sancho plugged the toilet with one of his massive camotes.
Me da asco, cabron, Tu Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
I have met the love of my life and he tells me the same too. We have talked about marriage and agree it’s the right thing to do. We are sure that eloping suites us best. Problem is there is no ring. If he’s going to call me his fiancee shouldn’t there be a ring? How do I tell him that?
Signed, Completely Confused

Dear Miss Guided,
Mija, totally agree with you. In any serious relationship there should always be a ring involved to demonstrate the love you share.

I strongly recommend you take the future mister to your local adult sex shop and have him fitted for a stainless steel cock ring. Don’t bother with the ones made of leather or rubber because they don’t have the same effect and hurt like hell when your pelos gets caught.

If money is tight and you want to give it a try before buying just use one of your hoop earrings but not the cheap gold ones that leave green residue behind.
XOXO, Tu Abuelita

Dear Abuelita,
I really love her, but she does two things that drive me crazy:

  1. First of all she crumples and scrunches the toothpaste tube instead of rolling it up neatly and capping it like a sane person.
  2. Secondly, she has absolutely no discipline regarding the proper installation of the toilet paper roll in the dispenser. One time the paper comes out over the top, like God intended, and the next time it comes from underneath.

We’re not living together now, only staying over at each other’s places from time to time, but if this relationship is gonna go anywhere, she’s got to get her act together.

How can I bring up these issues?

Yes, I know I’m lucky that she loves me despite the bogus arrest from that trouble with L.A. Zoo people about me and the giraffe, but a tiger can’t change his spots. I know what’s right and she is wrong.
Signed, Ramar of the Jungle

Dear Spotty Tigre,
Who is your God, Mr. Whipple?

Adam and Eve didn’t have toilet paper. They had to wipe their nalgas with leaves and grass. Do you think Adam had time to worry about how Eve left foliage hanging in the Garden of Eden’s baño? NO!

Since we’re on the subject, if Adam and Eve were the first man and woman on earth why did they have ombligos?

Not only do you suffer from a severe case of Obsessive–Como Chinguen Disorder (OCCD) but you’re also a zoosexual zonzo. I’m curious about how a tiger gets spots and where exactly you have them.

I don’t care how long the giraffe’s legs were or how deep her throat was. Just leave the animals alone.
Get help, Tu Abuelita


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