This is my new motto: ‘WWND? What would nana do?’

nanaWhile advances in technology make some areas of our lives easier, good old-fashioned child rearing has become more complicated.

In our grandparent’s day, it was a simpler time. They didn’t have the luxury of worrying about play dates and preschool applications.

I have a motto that has become a guiding principle for applying “old school” methods to present day parenting.

What would nana do?

I’m barely awake, preparing breakfast while holding the baby, trying to sip on day old coffee when my toddler asks me to cut her bread into shapes.

WWND? In nana’s day, a square slice was the only shape you were going to get.

It’s 4:30 pm, the witching hour. Despite the baby screaming all day, I’ve proudly set the table and prepared a healthy dinner. My toddler takes one look at her plate and breaks down in tears because she wants ice cream for dinner.

Mas…This is my new motto: ‘WWND? What would nana do?’

Dear Abuelita: Love cab for fatty, pee-pee pequeño, pochas in jorts

Dear Abuelita:
Why do Mexicans/pochas always wear cutoff jeans to the playa? It bothers me that we have some of the most beautiful women in our raza that they are not proud of their beauty.
Signed, El Pocho

Dear Beach Bothered Bingo,
So, according to you, Mexicans (pochas) need to walk around the beach with their nalgas pa fuera (like the sucia gabachas) in order to feel proud of her beauty. Who says they’re not proud?

Mexican (pocha) chicas in cutoff jeans and the playa go together like the homies in cholo chorts and tube socks kicking it on the sand. Are you going to ask those vatos why they don’t wear Speedos? Déjalo, leave them alone. Just worry about the sand in your own crack and go watch another rerun of Baywatch.
Love, Abuelita

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Love cab for fatty, pee-pee pequeño, pochas in jorts

Dear Abuelita: WiFi bath salts, leave it to Beaver, going down

Hey Old Lady!
Oh they think they are so friggin clever but I know what they are up to listening to me through my wifi and microwave well i have nothing to hide so neener neener Mr. and Ms. Big Brother politically correct death panel.

YOU WAN TO TAKE MY GUNNAWAY WELL HELL NO WE WONT GO. Don’t tase me bro hahah. I fought the law and law Juan. law Juan get it? Rock and roll will always die it will always be yakkity yak don’t talk back take out the papers and the trash or you dont get no steenkin cash. You have advice for me OLD LADY?

Why you smell like mota and not mocha? hahahaha.
Signed, Dada Doodoo

Dear Dodo Bird,
Que idiota! Have the drogas worn off yet? I don’t have time for your paranoid rants and raves. There are perfectly good street corners for you to stand on for spewing this kind of nonsense. Why don’t you go find one and leave me alone. Make sure you get there early before the OG vatos from Victory Outreach beat you to it. Better yet, stand on a corner opposite them and use your Mr. Microphone. I know you have one.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: WiFi bath salts, leave it to Beaver, going down

Dear Abuelita: Toad in a hole, wolf at the door, hitting the G-spot

Dear Abeulita:
Hi, I am sorry for this message because it may get to you as surprise but it’s because of the situation of things right now. I want use this opportunity to explain my problem.

I was here in London on vacation with my family but yesterday thing changed because i was mugged at hotel we are staying. The worse of it is that bags, cash and cards and my cell phone was stolen at during the incident and it’s such a crazy experience for us. Now, we stranded here without any money with us and we to need fly back home. Although we are so happy that we are physically OK and our passport still save with us.

We have been to police to make report about the incident but the best help they could render to us is that they took us to the embassy. Now, embassy have arrange a flight for us which was schedule on 15th of August but we don’t want to wait long anymore before we can get back home. I have been able to raise some money for the ticket but we are still short of little cash to complete the money and I will appreciate if you can be able to help us out with the little cash that we need.

I promise that i will pay you back any amount you can loan me as soon as i get back home. I will like you to get back to me as soon as possible Thanks you,
Signed, Your Nephew Carlos Abuelito

Dear Imposter,
Mentiroso, I don’t have a nephew Carlos and if I did he would never be a bleeding wanker like you. Instead he would enjoy an extended holiday in London, mostly indulging in British cuisine.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Toad in a hole, wolf at the door, hitting the G-spot

Dear Abuelita: Wife and lover, my ring-a-ding, trouble at the zoo

Dear Abuelita:
Is it possible to love two women at the same time? You see, I love my wive and I would do anything for her, but I also love my secret lover who inspires me in different ways that my wife does not. I make more love to my secret lover than to my wife. I think both of my loves complement my needs and I need both of them to be at peace.
Signed, Confused But Happy

Dear Con Fundio,
Don’t act like a tonto by saying you’d do anything for your wife. If you really meant it you would dump the hoochie coochie you have on the side and be a devoted husband. You’re so full of mierda, you need a lavativa not a lover.

Of course both your “loves” complement your needs. You’re a sin verguenza. Have you ever thought of the needs of your two women? How much are you offering them? I wouldn’t blame them if they had some one else on the side as well. Would serve you right.

Your pregunta is the biggest load of cacagada I’ve seen since my sancho plugged the toilet with one of his massive camotes.
Me da asco, cabron, Tu Abuelita

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Wife and lover, my ring-a-ding, trouble at the zoo

Dear Abuelita: Cholo scars, snoring horrors, mota bars

Yo, Abeuelita, sup?
In my wayward youth I was a gangbanger and have the bullet wounds, knife scars and tats to prove it. But those days are over and I’m now a legally-employed husband and dad with two kids.

The shorties are getting big enough to where they will soon begin to ask me questions about these things and I don’t know what exactly to say. What did you tell your kids about your tattoos and bullet wounds (if you have any?)
Signed: X Loco 

Dear X Loco,
Thank your lucky estrella tattoos I didn’t know you as a gangbanger chavalon otherwise you’d have a lot more wounds to explain. Don’t worry, I’m not going to smack you across the coco with an Abuelita Reality Chancla for anything you’ve done in the past. It appears you’ve had your share of hard knocks as it is.

Kids aren’t stupid, eventually they will dig up some old MySpace page with photos of you and your homies showing off your bullet wounds and tattoos.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Cholo scars, snoring horrors, mota bars

Dear Abuelita: Obama or Romney? Flour or corn? Quinceaneras?

Dear Abuelita,
What are you drinking? Is that “Chocolate Abuelita?” It looks different. Anyway…I heard that Mitt Romney really likes Hispanics. Do you think I should vote for him or should I vote for my Negrito again? At least I know that he supports the Dream Act.

Aayy! Abuelita, please ease my worries.
Signed, Aye Voted

Dear Nowhere Near Being PC,
I’m drinking my medicine. It helps me see things clearly and loosens up my middle finger – which I am raising at the screen this very moment.

Hispanics?! Where are you from that you use such offensive terminology? Negrito?! No one uses that word anymore, let alone use it in reference to the President. Not even the modern version of Loteria has El Negrito on the playing cards. Although, it’s still okay to name your perro Negrito, Blackie or Prieto. That’s different.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Obama or Romney? Flour or corn? Quinceaneras?

Dear Abuelita: Does my extensive toy frog collection scare off men?

Dear Abuelita,
For the last 20 years of my 30, I’ve been collecting toy frogs. My apartment is so full of frogs there is barely a place to sit down. I’ve never had a long-term boyfriend because I can never invite them over for fear they will freak out. How can I find a man that will love me, frogs and all?
Sincerely, Ribbit in Frog Town

Dear Rosie the Ribbiter,
Do you kiss your toy frogs in hopes of finding a prince? Insanity makes a person do funny things, tu sabes. This is unhealthy behavior, mija. The only man you’ll find this way is a wart-covered serial killer or a Beanie Baby collector – both equally dangerous. Time to clean house. Get rid of the girlie toys and make room for boys with adult toys.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Does my extensive toy frog collection scare off men?

Dear Abuelita: I’m 48 and I love this guy but I think I scared him off

Querida Abuelita,
I’m a 48-year-old hot-blooded Latina and pienso que I’ve finally fallen in love por la ultima vez as in I WANT TO MARRY THIS MAN! Problem is quizas I have scared him away after he hit his nerdy cabeza falling so hard for me, too. How do I hook the love of my life? Por favor, I’m tired of praying to baby Jesus, just help me with your wise words…
Fallen Hard

Dear 48 and Failing Hard (I mean, Fallen Hard),
I don’t blame the off-balance nerdy vato for running. Do you have any idea how desperate you sound? Forty-eight, in love por la ultima vez, want to marry the guy, praying to baby Jesus? Hiljole madre, just reading your woes makes me want to hit my cabeza with a full can of cerveza.

Mas…Dear Abuelita: I’m 48 and I love this guy but I think I scared him off

Dear Abuelita: Is my girlfriend really a virgin? And why no sex now?

Dear Abuelita:
I am a 20-year-old Latino man. My girlfriend will not have sex with me until we get married and she insists she’s a virgin. I’m not sure she’s telling the truth. Is there any way to tell if she’s a virgin or not?
Crazy with Celibacy

Dear Crazy with Celibacy:
Ever hear of “something old, something new, something borrowed and some things are turning blue?” Listen, loco, there is only one sign you should be looking for and it’s an EXIT sign. Head for the hills, better yet, head to where buffalo girls roam and don’t come home until you’ve got your color back. That is unless…

Mas…Dear Abuelita: Is my girlfriend really a virgin? And why no sex now?