THROWBACK THURSDAY #TBT August 2005 (found on our answering machine): Aaron Judgement, a (former?) member of the Arizona border Minutemen anti-immigration vigilante group, makes a shocking confession:
We have no problem with the guy riding a horse, but with all the possible places for xlnt tacos in the Great State of Tejas, this baboso goes to Taco Bell?
(PNS reporting from LAKEWOOD, NJ) The story was confusing for the few Ultra-Orthodox Jews who get their world news from The Lakewood Shopper, a free “penny saver” community weekly newspaper published here.
The Shopper mistakenly included a photo of actor Luis Guzman in a story about Mexico’s arrest of drug cartel kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman.
A 28-year-old San Antonio, TX man is the can after threatening a waitress with a sword in an attempt to scare her into giving up a half dozen tacos, which Wikipedia describes as “a traditional Mexican dish composed of a corn or wheat tortilla folded or rolled around a filling.”
“Mr. [Adam] Kramer was yelling that he wanted his free tacos or somebody was going to die,” authorities said in an affadavit for his arrest, according to Raw Story. Kramer is being held in Bexar County Jail on $50,000 bail.
PREVIOUSLY ON TEXAS TACOS:
The wetback drove from Laredo to San Antonio to see his girl — and that’s when the trouble started.
(ALBUQUERQUE, NM) The Feds have arrested a man who allegedly threatened to detonate a bomb-filled burrito (artist’s conception, right) in the FBI office here, a man who has claimed that he was personally the subject of government spying.
His shocking accusation?
Uncle Sam AKA Tio Sam implanted brain-tapping equipment in his cabeza.
Brian DeMarco, 50, a resident of the Super 8 Motel off of Coors Boulevard, revealed to authorities that the government “placed a tracking device inside his head” in addition to “beaming photons.”
If confirmed, his allegation would dovetail perfectly with a POCHO Mexclusive story about how the National Security Agency (NSA) has outsourced surveillance of Americans in border states to the Mexican Security Agency (MSA.)
Colombian police have arrested three women dressed as nuns who were trying to smuggle six kilos (13.1 pounds) of cocaine hidden under their habits. The trio was popped as they were passing through the Colombian Island of San Andres – a notorious drug-trafficking route. The fake nuns were searched after police saw them acting suspiciously.
Chilling black and white documentary footage from Spain shows how a thoughtful gesture by a scarecrow becomes the scarecrow’s literal undoing. But oh mama, could this really be The End?
The best defense is good offense, pochos. Watch and learn!
If only these undocumented immigrants had seen the video before they got stopped in the middle of Oklahoma!
Is it possible to love two women at the same time? You see, I love my wive and I would do anything for her, but I also love my secret lover who inspires me in different ways that my wife does not. I make more love to my secret lover than to my wife. I think both of my loves complement my needs and I need both of them to be at peace.
Signed, Confused But Happy
Dear Con Fundio,
Don’t act like a tonto by saying you’d do anything for your wife. If you really meant it you would dump the hoochie coochie you have on the side and be a devoted husband. You’re so full of mierda, you need a lavativa not a lover.
Of course both your “loves” complement your needs. You’re a sin verguenza. Have you ever thought of the needs of your two women? How much are you offering them? I wouldn’t blame them if they had some one else on the side as well. Would serve you right.
Your pregunta is the biggest load of cacagada I’ve seen since my sancho plugged the toilet with one of his massive camotes.
Me da asco, cabron, Tu Abuelita
When quick-thinking U.S. Border Patrol agents detected nuclear radiation coming from the car and determined the passenger was named Raul Castro — just like the brother of murderous dictator Fidel Castro from that prison island of Cuba — they only had one choice:
Detain and interrogate.
The elderly suspect was eventually “free to go” but not before the Federales made sure that radioactive pacemaker in his chest wasn’t really a roadside bomb. And America was safe for another day, free from radioactive terrorists like Raul Castro, 96, the Hate State of Arizona’s first Latino governor.
Castro’s brazen escape understandably topped POCHO’s ñewsweek, but wait, there’s more!
We also covered the birthday of eyebrow enthusiast Frida Kahlo and the suppressed history of our National Anthem, composed by star-spangled beaners.
Links? We have ’em!:
Arizona’s notorious Sheriff Joe Arpaio tried to save his flailing career with an arrest of a six-year-old cartel leader, GOP nominee wannabe Mitt Romney totally tripped over his tootsies again, the Nutmeg State joined the future for lonche with the approval of Medical Menudo (MM), Adidas stepped in it big time with their slavery-themed sneakers and Facebook gave everyone a new finger.
These POCHO stories broke the news this week. We’ve got the links and more:
(PNS reporting from SESAME STREET) On the same day that President Obama announced an immigration policy that will make it easier for young undocumented immigrants to remain in Los United Estates, Arizona’s numero uno douchebag, Sheriff Joe Arpaio, announced the arrest of a six-year-old girl suspected of leading the infamous Cártel de Elmo de Los Cookie Monster Ganga.
The Arizona Bugle reported that the girl was with 15 other cartel members who were traveling to the Midwest and northeast United States. Also arrested: Big Bird, Mr. Snuffleupagus, Prairie Dawn, Curly Bear, Bert, Grover and Guy Smiley. According to Chris Hegstrom, spokesman for the Sheriff’s Office, this is the “single biggest cartel bust” in Maricopa County history.
And even though the girl was old enough to get arrested, she was not old enough to have her name released, according to Hegstrom. “This is huge for us and for Joe – just huge. Arpaio is an expert when it comes to sleuthing dangerous things…like children and phony birth certificates.”
8. George and Shellie were married at a Ku Klux Klan Rally
7. George roomed with Mitt Romney at False Police Academy
6. The couple was once kicked out of Disneyworld for following seven hoodie-wearing dwarfs