(PNS reporting from SESAME STREET) On the same day that President Obama announced an immigration policy that will make it easier for young undocumented immigrants to remain in Los United Estates, Arizona’s numero uno douchebag, Sheriff Joe Arpaio, announced the arrest of a six-year-old girl suspected of leading the infamous Cártel de Elmo de Los Cookie Monster Ganga.
The Arizona Bugle reported that the girl was with 15 other cartel members who were traveling to the Midwest and northeast United States. Also arrested: Big Bird, Mr. Snuffleupagus, Prairie Dawn, Curly Bear, Bert, Grover and Guy Smiley. According to Chris Hegstrom, spokesman for the Sheriff’s Office, this is the “single biggest cartel bust” in Maricopa County history.
And even though the girl was old enough to get arrested, she was not old enough to have her name released, according to Hegstrom. “This is huge for us and for Joe – just huge. Arpaio is an expert when it comes to sleuthing dangerous things…like children and phony birth certificates.”
Hegstrom told PNS that the six-year-old is being held in the infamous “tent city” where she is expected to remain until Arpaio’s office establishes a line of communication with her people.
“She’s being held in tent city while we decide what to do with her. She told us that if we do not release her and her friends, someone named ‘Count Von Count’ will exact revenge on her behalf. We’re taking this threat very seriously and have started talks with people from Sesame Street. All of those Muppet heads in the desert that Governor [Jan] Brewer talked about are a direct result of this cartel so we are on edge,” Hegstrom said.
The official police report states that all of the suspects had weapons, large amounts of cash, the Number 5 and the Letter D on their persons. The cartel has long tried to smuggle letters and numbers into Arizona where literacy has been made illegal and put on the black-market.
The arrests came on Friday, the very same day that the Dora the Explorer Cártel announced their takeover of Ciudad Juarez. The Dora Cártel and the Cártel de Elmo are bitter rivals that have left many Muppet families without puppeteers.
Last week, Arpaio told reporters that his office still plans to arrest the remaining Muppets with the same fervor that has made him a nationally known law enforcement figure.
“I think people from Sesame Street are now going to feel, ‘Hey come on in, bring letters and numbers and we’ll get by with it.’ But it won’t happen in this county. They will still be arrested. They’re not gonna’ be smuggling literacy in here on my watch” Arpaio said.
S. J. Rivera is an Indie Publisher/Author and Smartass @ Broken Sword Publications