Orange President salutes Black History Month (transcript, audio, toon)

Our historic President knows more about Black History Month than the last President, who was not so historic.

And instead of teaching us in American, the President is going to speak English to you, you know, to class up the history of this carnage-loving people, his African-Americans.

Our speech researchers here at the National Pochismo Institute took Wednesday’s speech transcript and ran it through a text-to-speech thang with a British-accented robo-bloke. And it sounds classy! You’ve never heard classy as bigly as this — all the words — the best words — plus a Ben Carson shoutout — and some bragging, lots of lies, and ignorance in abundance. Not to mention dissing CNN and non sequitors, slang, and muddled thinking. You’re welcome, mate.

Mira el transcript, with notes from POCHO’s Comic Saenz, and audio below:

[IMMA TALK ABOUT ME.] Well, the election, it came out really well. Next time we’ll triple the number or quadruple it.[WHAT NUMBER IS THAT? THE NUMBER OF VOTES YOU LOST BY BECAUSE OF THE “ILLEGALS” VOTING?] We want to get it over 51, right? At least 51 [INCOMPLETE SENTENCE FRAGMENT.]

Well this is Black History Month, so this is our little breakfast, our little get-together.

Hi Lynn, how are you? Just a few notes. [INCOMPLETE SENTENCE FRAGMENT.] During this month, we honor the tremendous [BIG IS GOOD] history of African-Americans throughout our country. Throughout the world, if you really think about it, right? [INCOMPLETE SENTENCE FRAGMENT.] And their story is one of unimaginable sacrifice, hard work, and faith in America. I’ve gotten [YOU MEAN “I GOT”; WE CALL THAT “PAST TENSE] a real glimpse—during the campaign, I’d go around with Ben to a lot of different places I wasn’t so familiar with. [RUN ON SENTENCE.] They’re incredible people. [SHOUT OUT TO ALL YOU COLORED PEEPS!] And I want to thank Ben Carson, who’s gonna [SLANG] be heading up HUD. That’s a big [BIG IS GOOD] job. That’s a job that’s not only housing, but it’s mind and spirit. [ACTUALLY IT’S HOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT.] Right, Ben? And you understand, nobody’s gonna be better than Ben. [NONSENSE.]

Last month, we [COLOR US DOUBTFUL] celebrated the life of Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr., whose incredible example is unique [MEANINGLESS PLATITUDINOUS DRIVEL. WAS IT TREMENDOUS? BIG?] in American history. [IMMA TELL YOU ABOUT HIM NOW.] You read all about Dr. Martin Luther King a week ago when somebody said I took the statue out of my office. [OK IMMA TALK ABOUT ME.] It turned out that that was fake news. Fake news. [AND IT WAS CORRECTED, UNLIKE THE LIES AND BULLSHIT BANNON SPREADS.] The statue is cherished, it’s one of the favorite things in the [IN THE WHAT? STUPID FUCKER!] —and we have some good ones. [RUN ON SENTENCE, NONSENSE.] We have Lincoln, and we have Jefferson, and we have Dr. Martin Luther King. But they said the statue, the bust of Martin Luther King, was taken out of the office. And it was never even touched. So I think it was a disgrace, but that’s the way the press is. [LIES.] Very unfortunate. [IMMA STOP TALKIN BOUT ME.]

I am very proud now [WAS THERE A TIME WHEN YOUR WEREN’T SO PROUD?] that we have a museum on the National Mall where people can learn about Reverend King, [MISSING CONJUNCTION] so many other things. [RUN-ON SENTENCE.] Frederick Douglass is an example of somebody who’s done [INCORRECT TENSE. HE’S BEEN DEAD FOR OVER 100 YEARS.] an amazing job and is being recognized more and more, I noticed, [YOU NOTICED?TELLUS MORE!] Harriet Tubman, Rosa Parks, and millions more black Americans who made America what it is today. [BUT AMERICA IS SHITTY TODAY WHICH IS WHY WE NEEED TO MAKE IT GREAT AGAIN.] Big impact. [FREDERICK DOUGLASS NOTABLY SAID: “AGITATE, AGITATE, AGITATE” YOU CLUELESS BLOWHARD.]

I’m proud to honor this heritage and will be honoring it more and more.

[IMMA TALK ABOUT ME AGAIN AND THE ELECTION I DID SO GREAT IN.] The folks at the table in almost all cases [A FEW OF YOU HAVE SELF RESPECT AND A CONSCIENCE BUT YOU ALL LOOK THE SAME TO ME: YOU’RE THE KIND OF PEOPLE MY FAMILY WOULDN’T RENT APARTMENTS TO] have been great friends and supporters. [BULLSHIT SELF PROMOTION.] Darrell—I met Darrell when he was defending me on television. [DARRELL? WTF? WHERE’S THE OTHER BROTHER DARRELL! KILLARY!] And the people that were on the other side of the argument didn’t have a chance, right? And Paris [HUH?] has done an amazing job in a very hostile CNN community. He’s all by himself. You’ll have seven people, and Paris. And I’ll take Paris over the seven. But I don’t watch CNN, so I don’t get to see you as much as I used to. I don’t like watching fake news. But Fox has treated me very nice.[THE ADVERB IS “NICELY”, TURD HEAD.] Wherever Fox is, thank you. [FOX IS ON TV AND IT’S FAKE NEWS.] [OK IMMA TALK ABOUT ME.] We’re gonna [SLANG] need better schools and we need them soon. [MIXED TENSES IN A SINGLE SENTENCE.] We need more jobs, we need better wages, a lot better wages. [BUT I THINK THE MINIUMUM WAGE IS TOO HIGH.] We’re gonna [SLANG] work very hard on the inner city. Ben is gonna [SLANG] be doing that, big league. [DO YOU MEAN BIGLY?] That’s one of the big [BIG IS GOOD] things that you’re gonna [SLANG] be looking at. We need safer communities and we’re going to do that with law enforcement. [OH MY GOSH! COPS WHO PROTECT AND SERVE? WHAT COLOR IS THE SKY ON THIS LOVELY PLANET?] We’re gonna [SLANG] make it safe. We’re gonna [SLANG] make it much better than it is right now. Right now it’s terrible, and I saw you talking about it the other night, Paris, on something else that was really—you did a fantastic job the other night on a very unrelated show. [ANOTHER RUN-ON SENTENCE AND WHO THE FUCK CARES, YOU DIPSHIT?]

I’m ready to do my part, and I will say this: We’re gonna [SLANG] work together. [IMMA TALK ABOUT ME SOME MORE.] This is a great group, this is a group that’s been so special to me. You really helped me a lot. If you remember I wasn’t going to do well with the African-American community, and after they heard me speaking and talking about the inner city and lots of other things, we ended up getting—and I won’t go into details—but we ended up getting substantially more than other candidates who had run in the past years. [ALSO BIRDS WILL FLY OUT MY BUTTHOLE AND SING “GLORY GLORY HALLELUJAH.”] And now we’re gonna [SLANG] take that to new levels. I want to thank my television star [AS BIG A STAR AS SCOTT BAIO!] over here—Omarosa’s actually a very nice person, nobody knows that. I don’t want to destroy her reputation but she’s a very good person, and she’s been helpful right from the beginning of the campaign, and I appreciate it. I really do. Very special. [SHE’S A NEGRO AND SHE LIKES ME. SHE REALLY REALLY LIKES ME.]