Around Our Town: Ñews from your neighbors

WEDDING: Mr. and Mrs. Julio Santiago of Pocho Estates are pleased to announce the marriage of their daughter Suzanne to Samson Lei of Monterey Park, son of Mrs. Chin Louie of San Francisco and Mr. Stagger Lei of New Orleans.  After a honeymoon in Hawaii, the couple will be moving far away from both sets of parents to live their own damn  lives free of drama, race-baiting, and a legacy of never-ending bullshit from control freaks.

BIRTH: Kimberly and Eddie Sanchez of East Pocho welcomed their son Chipotle Moctezuma into the world Monday.  Weighing in at six pounds and eight ounces, the baby is the couple’s second child. Paternal grandfather Bill “Don’t Call Me Guillermo” Sanchez will be  calling the little guy “Chip.”

GRADUATION: Luz Linda Lachula will receive a Juris Doctor degree from the University of California Berkeley’s Boalt Hall next week. A graduate of Unincorporated East Pocho Community College and Cal State Pocho, she will be chauffeured to the graduation by her cousin Sammy Esperanza, since she is an undocumented DREAMer and is really fucking scared of getting arrested and deported for a minor traffic violation. Ms. Lachula hopes to work for a law firm in a tolerant state after passing her bar exam.

OBITUARY: A Memorial Mass is being planned for Sister Guadalupe Joe, the long-time basketball coach and math teacher at the now-closed, all-girls St. Pandora Junior High. Sister, who died Friday, was 89 years old. Survived by her brother Fred and six nieces and nephews, she is widely credited with introducing the dual-purpose yardstick/slide rule which could both measure the length of a girl’s skirt and calculate square roots.

Do you have any society news we can use? Send it to me, Chale Knickerbocker!

Sign made here.