Pocho Ocho little-known factoids about the first Thanksgiving

See this painting that is supposed to depict the first Thanksgiving? It’s wrong wrong wrong. What really went on at that epic feast so long ago? We’ve got eight little-known factoids right here:

8. The frozen string beans in the casserole were past their sell-by date

7. Pilgrim Zephaniah Winslow = silent but deadly

6. Squanto’s succotash was really delivery from Uber Eats

5. Although only organic turkey was served, it was not Kosher

4. Three words: Pumpkin Spice Schnapps

3. Elder William Bradford’s admonition to wife Sarah was the first recorded use of the phrase “Prithee, shut ye olde pie hole.”

2. Concerted effort needed to make sure Uncle Epstein was not left alone with the girls

And the numero uno little-known fact about the first Thanksgiving Dinner is…

You look chilly; want a blanket?

Historically incorrect painting by Jean Leon Gerome Ferris.