Pocho Ocho secrets of the first Thanksgiving

See this painting that is supposed to depict the first Thanksgiving? It’s wrong wrong wrong. What really went on at that epic feast so long ago? We’ve got eight things right here:

8. The frozen string beans in the casserole were past their sell-by date
7. Pilgrim Zephaniah Winslow = silent but deadly
6. Squanto’s succotash was really takeout from Fieri’s Tipi
5. Although only organic turkey was served, it was not Kosher
4. Two words: Pumpkin Schnapps
3. Elder William Bradford’s admonition to wife Sarah was the first recorded use of the phrase “Prithee, shut ye olde pie hole.”
2. Concerted effort needed to make sure Uncle Petraeus was not left alone with the girls

And the numero uno secret of the first Thanksgiving is…

You look chilly; want a blanket?

Historically incorrect painting by Jean Leon Gerome Ferris.