Schwarzeneggar ‘Total Retard’ bio takes hard look and bares all

Former California Gübernator and bodybuilding icon Arnold Schwarzeneggar’s new autobiography Total Retard paints a scandalous picture of a life dominated by men, sweat, steroids, cigars and the desperate need to womanize and destroy the California economy.

Reading like a review of an action film in which the main character blows up everything in his path, the biography provides a rare glimpse of how a man who spent the first 30 years of his life in bikini briefs and body oil could become governor of the most powerful state in the Union.

“It is important to know which muscle to flex, when to flex it and who to flex it to,” writes the action movie star.

Schwarzeneggar spends a fair amount of time writing about hard lessons he learned from other fame-hungry bodybuilders and how that was the best preparation for success in Hollywood and politics.

He also talks about the opportunities he had as an immigrant to America.

“America is the land of opportunity for immigrants.” writes Schwarzeneggar,” but it helps if you are a rich, white man from Austria.”

In 2003, Schwarzeneggar heard that the California Republican party was casting for a “Ronald Reagan type” to run as governor of California.  After a brief audition, he got the part.

“Schwarzeneggar’s rise to power was meteoric,” says UC Berkeley political analyst Cuauhtemoc Ramirez-Berg. “And by meteoric, I mean hitting the Earth and destroying it.”

Ramirez-Berg says Schwarzeneggar’s election was due partly to his immigrant appeal to Latinos and partly due to the fact that his name was as close as conservatives could get to saying the “N word” in public without getting into trouble.

Schwarzeneggar is surprisingly frank about his womanizing, the decades of unwanted advances toward co-workers and his much-deserved reputation as “Der Gropenator.”  This is due primarily to the terms of a class action suit and the legal requirements of his listing on California’s Sexual Offender list.

Surprisingly, Schwarzeneggar shows little remorse over the affair with his undocumented immigrant maid Mildred Patricia Baena which resulted in the birth of a son and ultimately destroyed his 25-year marriage.  Summing up the scandal, Schwarzeneggar eloquently writes:

“What can I say? I am an asshole.”


Idiot’s Guide to Schwarzeneggar’s Gübernatorial Administration
  • On unemployment and the poor: Stay Hungry
  • On labor: Raw Deal
  • On Affirmative Action: Eraser
  • On women publicly: Conan The Barbarian
  • On women privately: Predator
  • On his economic policies: Conan The Destroyer
  • On cuts to social programs: Collateral Damage
  • On the environment: Red Heat
  • On prison reform: Pumping Iron
  • On education: Kindergarten Cop
  • On undocumented immigrants: The Running Man
  • On affair with undocumented Latina maid: True Lies
  • On proof that he is the father of maid’s son: Junior
  • On his own father’s Nazi past: The Last Action Hero
  • On Pete Wilson: Twins
  • On his buddies at Enron: Jingle All The Way
  • On becoming Governor: Terminator 2 – Judgment Day