This Is My Bill Richardson Story: QEPD y RIP

I happened to be in Santa Fe Friday — the day of New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson’s funeral.

I wanted to pay my respects, so I planned on attending the ceremony if it was open to the public. If it wasn’t open, I would have gladly crashed it.

Despite the massive crowds and police presence at the Cathedral Basilica St. Francis Assisi, and folks carrying what I thought were invitations, it was indeed open to the public. I grabbed the next-to-the-last pew, way in the corner in the back, but I got in, along with a thousand others.

I had met the former Governor, Secretary of Energy, Congressman, and international hostage rescuer only once, maybe 15 years ago, at an event at the University of New Mexico. He was standing alone, and wearing a fringed leather jacket, looking relaxed and amiable.

Mas…This Is My Bill Richardson Story: QEPD y RIP

Arizona Ex-Governor Jan Brewja’s Pocho Ocho Mas Loco Predictions

superbrewerFormer Arizona Governor Jan Brewja is predicting Donald Trump will win in the Hate State elections because Latinos won’t vote.

“Nah,” Brewer said in an interview with the Boston Globe. “They don’t get out and vote. They don’t vote.”

What else does she foresee? Here are her Pocho Ocho Mas Loco Predictions:

8. Pigs will fly.

7. When nasty women stop provoking the average guy with slutty clothes, rapes will stop.

6. If regulators approve the AT&T-Time Warner merger, the cable guy will actually arrive between 10am and 2pm.

Mas…Arizona Ex-Governor Jan Brewja’s Pocho Ocho Mas Loco Predictions

Been indicted and it feels so good: The Governor Rick Perry Story

rickperryhorseWhen news broke Friday that GOP presidential nominee wannabe Texas Governor Rick Perry (photo) was indicted on two counts of abuse of power, we were pissed off because we were in the middle of a conference call and didn’t that grand jury know our meeting schedule and publishing deadlines?

We realized later, however, that we had a treasure trove of Perry-ana that could be given fresh life on the Interwebs with a cool big-ass image of Perry, a clever headline and lots of SEO-friendly keywords.


Mas…Been indicted and it feels so good: The Governor Rick Perry Story

Texas Governor Perry ‘outraged’ at deportation center photos

deporttion640(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Texas Governor Rick Perry was “outraged” after seeing leaked photos of crowded child detainees at the U.S. Border Patrol Detention center in Brownsville, PNS has learned.

“The kind of sloppy detention seen in those photos is a clear waste of space as well as taxpayer dollars,” Perry said in an email sent to aides Monday night.

Perry thinks the centers could squeeze in more detainees using the “tight pack” system long advocated by GOP lobbyist John E. Rebb.

Mas…Texas Governor Perry ‘outraged’ at deportation center photos

Rick Perry is sad new hipster glasses don’t help him make friends

rickperryglasses(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Gov. Rick Perry is disappointed his new hipster glasses haven’t helped him in the polls.

“Why don’t people like me? I’m more than just the guy who came after Bush, I’m cool, see?” he told reporters at a press conference at the Capitol Wednesday as he pointed to his stylin’ horn rim frames from Warby Parker.

According to insiders, Perry thought the hipster glasses would not only make him more likeable but would also make people think he’s smarter, too.

“I watch Dr. Who,” said Perry. “I’m been hanging at Waterloo Records trying to make friends with guys with beards. I’m growing some fierce sideburns.”

Mas…Rick Perry is sad new hipster glasses don’t help him make friends

Califas will issue driver’s licenses to the undocumented

cdlFox Latino, which puts “undocumented” in their headline but “illegal” in their story, reports:

California, home to the nation’s largest immigrant population, would become the 11th state to grant immigrants who are in the country illegally [sic] the right to a driver’s license under a bill that passed the Legislature late Thursday and that Gov. Jerry Brown supports.

The success of the legislation comes after years of setbacks for Democratic lawmakers and Latino activists.

The state Assembly approved the bill on a 55-19 vote late in the evening, hours after the Senate passed it on a 28-8 vote. The Democratic governor issued a statement indicating he would sign it into law.

Breaking: Rick Perry moving West: ‘Let’s turn Cali red!’

rickperryreelection(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Rick Perry told a crowd of press and supporters here Monday that he will not seek another term as Texas governor when his term expires in 18 months.

Instead, the longest-serving governor in Texas’ history said he was going to do the unthinkable: move to California to turn the state back into a Republican stronghold.

“Now that Democrats have set their sights on Texas, I want to return the favor and head to the Golden State and bring a brand of compassionate conservatism that ruled the state in the good ol’ days,” the  former GOP presidential nominee wannabe said.

Mas…Breaking: Rick Perry moving West: ‘Let’s turn Cali red!’

Year in Review: The lonely, fading star of Texas Gov. Rick Perry

The stars at night are big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas. Except, of course, when Gov. Rick Perry (photo, right) is involved.

The one-time GOP nominee wannabe Perry is so underwhelming that when he walks into a room, it seems as if someone just left.

Rick Perry is so stupid he peels M&M’s to make chocolate chip cookies. Rick Perry is so stupid he went to the dentist for Bluetooth. Rick Perry is so stupid he forgot his own talking points in a Republican presidential debate.

Think about it: Republican voters in the primaries liked Rick Perry even LESS than Mitt Romney.

But enough about Rick Perry. What about MY needs?

Mas…Year in Review: The lonely, fading star of Texas Gov. Rick Perry

Schwarzeneggar ‘Total Retard’ bio takes hard look and bares all

Former California Gübernator and bodybuilding icon Arnold Schwarzeneggar’s new autobiography Total Retard paints a scandalous picture of a life dominated by men, sweat, steroids, cigars and the desperate need to womanize and destroy the California economy.

Reading like a review of an action film in which the main character blows up everything in his path, the biography provides a rare glimpse of how a man who spent the first 30 years of his life in bikini briefs and body oil could become governor of the most powerful state in the Union.

“It is important to know which muscle to flex, when to flex it and who to flex it to,” writes the action movie star.

Schwarzeneggar spends a fair amount of time writing about hard lessons he learned from other fame-hungry bodybuilders and how that was the best preparation for success in Hollywood and politics.

He also talks about the opportunities he had as an immigrant to America.

“America is the land of opportunity for immigrants.” writes Schwarzeneggar,” but it helps if you are a rich, white man from Austria.”

Mas…Schwarzeneggar ‘Total Retard’ bio takes hard look and bares all

Where in the &*+@# is Jan Brewer? The Pocho Ocho places…

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer is MISSING. Before you uncork the champagne, and before she comes back from her one-week vanishing, here’s the Pocho Ocho places Jan Brewer COULD BE:

8. At the Rawlings factory getting her skin re-laced

7. In Georgia filming the lead zombie role in “Walking Dead”

6. At a private correctional prison junket to Alcatraz

Mas…Where in the &*+@# is Jan Brewer? The Pocho Ocho places…

Anti-terror WIN! Wrinkled AZ governor detained by U.S. Border Patrol

Quick-thinking U.S. Border Patrol agents, inspired by the skull-melting Arizona heat, have captured an elderly terrorist who was hell-bent on turning the vast wasteland known as Arizona into a vast radioactive wasteland.

Or was it the nation’s oldest living ex-governor, Raul Castro (photo,right), 96, who was detained at a border patrol checkpoint in the brutal Arizona morning heat after agents found he posed a “radiation risk” following his heart pacemaker operation?

Mas…Anti-terror WIN! Wrinkled AZ governor detained by U.S. Border Patrol

Fired undocumented gardener sorry he ‘peed on Romney’s petunias’

Gardener Berto Lopez trims a hedge in Beverly Hills

(PNS reporting from BEVERLY HILLS) Inspired by Mitt Romney’s apology for assaulting a long-haired commie prep school classmate, one of the undocumented gardeners Romney hired and then fired in 1996 has issued his own apology.

Berto Lopez, now working as a freelance arborist in Beverly Hills, regrets he once peed on the then-governor’s prized petunias.

“I did some rude things when I was younger,” he told PNS Thursday, “and if I hurt any of those plants, well then I am truly sorry.”

But Lopez denied the peeing and the firing were related. “I peed on the plants because Romney was a pendejo —  how you say — douchebag:”

Mas…Fired undocumented gardener sorry he ‘peed on Romney’s petunias’