(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) “It’s a sad day, ese,” said Ray “Code Boy” Santos, OG founder of area hacker clika MS2 (MS.DOS). “I saw the Windows XP Blue Screen of Death (BSOD) so often, he was mi hermano.”
“We used the XP version of Excel to tweak the hydraulics of Felipe’s ranfla. And I used to have weird dreams about the 3D pipes screensaver,” he told PNS Thursday. “All we had for music in those days was pinche Winamp, carnal, and we liked it!”
He’s so rico suave, everyone says he’s a Real Cool Arrow! (Neo-polka cowpunk from Austin’s The Hickoids.)
PREVIOUSLY ON TEXAS POLKA:
(PNS reporting from NEW YORK CITY) The new Jennifer Lopez Barbie Doll has a suspicious lack of derriere, hurting Mattel’s effort to
pander to cater to the young Latina market.
The outcry, mostly online, prompted Mattel to a hold real live press conference here Thursday to try and do some damage control.
“The steep increase in the cost of plastic is beyond the control of Mattel, or our manufacturers,” spokeswoman Elena Guajardo told reporters in a Trump Towers conference room, while an assistant Tweeted her remarks to the Internets.
“Due to global shortages of plastic and plastic precursors, Mattel was forced to reduce the amount used to manufacture the new JLo Barbie.”
The JLo Barbie was expected to help Mattel in the Latina market.
Previously, Mattel tried shaming young Latinas by presenting them with unrealistic blonde Barbies that promoted internalized oppression, but that approach was a sales flop.
* An interview with the University of Oxford butt fat researcher [Updated 7:45 PM PDT Nov. 2, 2013.]
(PNS reporting from ENGLAND) Scientists at the University of Oxford have uncovered evidence that women with big butts are not only the most intelligent, but also the most resistant to chronic illnesses.
The study examined the fat accumulated in different parts of a woman’s body, and found that women with a phat ass were less likely to get diabetes, since they are more likely to produce hormones to metabolize sugar.
What’s more, women with big booties tended to have lower levels of cholesterol and fewer heart problems, according to the study.
We translated the Fafhoo Noticas report:
Women with a big butt, wide hips and a narrow waist can live longer, and even be more intelligent, since the Omega 3 fats stored in their butts support brain development.
I am always so proud when humanity expands the frontiers of knowledge. Scientific American reports the result of a new study:
The team took college men and had half of them perform a stressful task unrelated to food or money which raised their cortisol levels. They then asked the stressed and unstressed men to take a look at some images of women, and rate their attractiveness. The images varied in body size, from underweight to obese. Finally, they recorded the participants own weight, height, and hunger status, as controlling variables.
The results were clear. The stressed out guys preferred a larger body size than their relaxed counterparts – but that was not all. “Men experiencing stress not only perceive a heavier female body size as maximally attractive, but also more positively perceive heavier female body sizes and have a wider range of body sizes considered physically attractive.
There may be less to this than meets the eye, according to colleague Victor Payan:
When I was in seventh grade, I was derided for being flat-chested. When I was in college I was derided for having ample junk in the trunk. As a 20-something I was felt self-conscious because I didn’t have thin legs.
It turns out, depending on who you ask, this is all good — or all lacking. It’s confusing: do Latino men want voluptuous or not? Or do they only want voluptuous in certain places? Do they just like to drool over skinny women on TV, but when they get home prefer something more ample? What are the mathematics on being an “adequately-attractive” Latina?